It's good that you are going to be getting some help in.
SadinSC I will be praying for you so that you can rally your strength and take the necessary actions to support yourself. Caregiving starts with caring for our own selves. If the person that you are caring for is abusive, and it starts to become
a" health hazzard " to you, maybe it's time to think about letting go of day to day caregiver role, and let her go to a home where she can get the care she needs.

We have set 'boundaries' - if your mom doesn't need you constantly - is able to dress herself and bathe herself - then set some ground rules. Let her know that there is more to consider than just what she needs and wants. That you have needs and wants as well. No surprise outings. Schedule them at YOUR convenience. Take care of everything in one day - no doctor one day, groceries one day and lunch out one day. Get it all done at one time. Set boundaries in the house. She is NOT allowed to enter your room without permission, etc. With boundaries comes peace. It can do wonders. And sometimes WE do TOO MUCH - thinking we are helping. It took me a long time to ALLOW my MIL to do for herself what she is able to do for herself and STOP worrying about what 'might' happen. Worry about what happens WHEN it happens. I am learning. I was a SLOW LEARNER. :0(

Being honest only got remarks from my sisters having to do with the fact we wanted Mother here so deal with it. Then we set boundaries that visitors had to be out by a certain time and no, I was not preparing a family meal every night for the visitors.

Yes, we wanted Mom here to recoup from a hospital stay; not forever. Been trying for 18 months to get her moved but something always comes up. Precious husband set a deadline and there will soon be a move. Mother is totally immobile, incontinent and can do nothing to help herself. After 2 years of 24/7 I look forward to getting my health and life back and to be a daughter not the help.

I know exactly how you feel littletonway - when we begin this journey we have no idea how long it is going to last and how difficult it is going to get. I hope you find a way 'out' that is in the best interest of all. Let us know how it goes for you and your family.

I hate it when siblings ask me, "how are you doing today?" How does one answer that question? Even if I told them the truth how could they possibly understand? They do love me, care for me, and help me as much as I need but they have never been in the trenches 24/7 as I have and can never do it even if they tried [they've told me so] So why try to explain how I feel? All I say is, "fine, OK". That's it. No more. I really don't want to explain and talk with them about it anyway. They give me all the rote official answers of what to do.....yeah.....I know that too.....but do you REALLY know what its like? NO. They will never understand. Besides, who wants to hear the truth anyway? The truth is so painful, difficult, stressful, full of love, full of anxiety, some resentment in the beginning, full of emotional and physical fatigue, depression and worry; who wants to hear that and continue the conversation? Nobody, except these lovely ladies and men who write on this site. All of you are my support group, all of you understand exactly how I feel and what I go through, all of you give me the perfect advice, all of you UNDERSTAND.

Jeanniegibbs,
Your advice to Joseph is stellar.

Sometimes you have to make up your mind n do what is necessary for the best interest for the person n mostly for your own health. Easier said than done n I will cross that bridge when it is my time too to make those decision. We are all human beings.

Hi Lildeb,
It is easier said than done because I think we all start this journey with the best of intentions that is to protect and provide for our loved ones who provided for and took care of us. The difference is that as they provided for us, we became stronger and more and more independent until we could take care of ourselves.
But with caregiving for our elderly parents their health continues to decline and need more and more care and become more dependent. I think we sometimes just gradually keep making adjustments to accomodate the decline, and before we know it we see that it is more than we are equipped to handle anymore.

I have learned so much from all the sharing of information. I guess we all have to realize and accept that although we want to do everything for our aging parents, there will come a time that we just can no longer accomodate the situation.
Hopefully we will all know that time to give up the caregiving and let someone else take over, before we get sick from the exhaustion ourselves.

ljdh0709, I agree n I think u put out very well.
I just found out that my aunt in Florida has giving my brothers up until the 1of the year to find somewhere for our dad to go beside at their house. I knew that was going to happen for it was suppose to be short-term anyway. The boys have done nothing to their property n that crappy rotten trailer is still standing. In addtion, the SM will be coming out in couple of months. I am glad she is now trying to help herself but she wanting to go right back to living in that nasty trailer! I found out that dad has not been doing anything at his sister's place except eat n lay around all day. One of my brother mention that he has been approved for Medicaid n that he was looking for a NH for him n her. I am not sure if you can just put them in a NH without a doctor's order or something for Medicaid to pay for it? We know that Medcaid will take their land n that is fine if they can have good health care for them n prevent them from going back to square one in that old nasty trailer. I cannot be their n here with the mnl n it is driving me nuts. I would love to get a bull-dozer n get rid of that trailer but knowning the SM-stepma for those who don't know whom I am talking about that, she would stay in a freaking tent on the land! Not sure if she has Medicaid approved yet. Neither brothers got guardianship for either parents. I do think my youngest one got a POA over his mom because of the money involved. It looks like they just took dad to r aunt n I guess they thought the problem would never surface again. Personally, I am at lost of what to do about that situation. The other brother is just so hard to talk to for he loses his top real easy. The oldest brother has health issues not like I have my own health issues too but a caregiver for the mnl. ah!!!! I am trying to breath but I I feel like I am suffocation.

Sorry to that you are going through so much lildeb.
It sounds like an awful lot.
Maybe someone in the Medicaid department in their state can give you the info you need to see if the would qualify and you can always just put a call in to one or 2 nursing homes in their state to see what they need to do to get in.
Im keeping you and your family in my prayers that it all works out for you.

Thanks, I had done all the research last time I was down their about couple of months ago. I gave them a list of Asst, living n NH. I also gave them the local contact # for Alz. n Agent Agency on Aging. It just seems that they just dumped dad at his sisters. It is hard to talk to one of the brothers for he has such a short fuse, the youngest is a bit goofy n the oldest brother has illness. I will have to give a call to one of the three n see if any of them even got guardianship or POA on them. The only reason why I know this much is the short-fuse brother's wife had texted me. Thanks for advice for I may have to call Medicade in Fl to check out things for them n they r suppose to be the smart ones. ; )

Hm... this from the end of the article hit home - "As a caregiver, you can't go it alone—and no one, who cares about you, expects you to." Well yes they do. When I tried to get the family together either on the phone or in person for a Plan B, C, D, etc... I was told to take care of myself as there is no Plan B. So much for a willing family member. I speak with them as little as possible and with the exception of my younger brother, who sadly is overseas, no one wants any of the responsibility of helping with Dad. Who, at 90 with Alzheimer's, has revoked my POA as he believes I am stealing from him, has no one else that wants to help so this ill man has put himself at risk and I am pretty powerless to change things. I am angry, tired and very, VERY resentful at this time. Like "DT" I am grieving the loss of myself.

StressedStPete, I wish you would re-post this in another spot where u may get some useful advice from some of the others that have dealt with similar issues to help you out. Just copy/past it to that area The area is called, "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?" I hope someone can help give you some useful advice. hang in there.

lildeb, thank you and sorry if this was the inappropriate place to post this.

Dear DT,
Isn't it weird? I too at first found it really strange that I also felt that I lost "myself" too, even before your post. The things that once gave me such thrills, freedom and pleasure do not any more. And that is a bad sign. I used to ride my mtn bike and my racing bike 4x a week and work out regularly. But nowadays, after Daddy passed, and even before while taking care of both Mom and Dad, I completely lost interest in doing them. And it is sooo weird because that was my one joy, one happiness, one thrill that I thought I would never lose interest in. I am slowly getting back to doing them but its not the same. The absolute thrill has gone and do hope that it comes back some day.
I too have lost track of who I am and right now, don't even know. "What do I do now" I ask myself. "Who am I?" Many times I think that my life is over and why live any more. Mom is now in hospice, so she really needs me and God does give me hope and spoke to my heart by saying not to worry about the future, He's got it. Live one day at a time, tomorrow has enough worries of its own. I cannot even control tomorrow, let alone the next few years or even longer.
You are NOT a bad person. Just kind of lost right now because of all the strain and pressures of taking care of a parent for so long. This is NORMAL. You are a GOOD, LOVING, AND COMPASSIONATE person for what you have done. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know this is hard to do cause I was, and still very hard on myself and suffer from guilt too.
God bless you and may He bless you with His peace and comfort.

So how do we continue to do good jobs as caretakers, take care of ourselves and our finances, and prepare for life as it will be when our loved ones die? Are there suggestions, classes, guidelines, or do we just have to prepare for depression, grief groups and therapy? Do some people do better than others, and why?

I know that some have said that we should 'do our homework' before starting down the caregiver 'road' - but I am sure that 99% of us didn't do that. There are NO classes - unless you go into social work or nursing - no way to prepare for the change in dynamics of a relationships that shifts from parent/child to child-caregiver/parent.

No way to prepare for the personality changes - both in ourselves and our charges - due to illness, depression, whatever........

I think most of us grieve and suffer from guilt WHILE WE ARE CARE GIVING AND LONG AFTER WE ARE FINISHED!

GUILT IS A CARE GIVER'S LEGACY. I am sure of that now. And it is one of those things that is 'easy to get into' and 'next to impossible' to get out of. The way OUT is always awful - because it has something to do with 'placement' in a facility or a funeral. :0(

Dear Stephan,
The job of being a CG is to me, one of the most extremely difficult jobs in the world. Not many people can do it, and its not their fault. There are certain inherit characteristics that one must have in order to maintain sanity day in and day out. It takes a lot of love, compassion, patience, mercy, and grace to do the very best you can. The very best is all you can give, you cannot give any more than that. That said, not all families are the same. Family dynamics play a huge role in who is allocated as the PC, and all the other jobs that come with the territory. One CANNOT do it alone. One needs support from other siblings, other CG, organizations that can offer support and help, either hands on, or through getting together with other CG. Mind you, I've read through this forum enough to realize that some siblings are uncaring and useless and some men and women out there are truly suffering stress related burnout and physical illness from it. I had more emotional and physical problems than that, and still suffered even though I have a wonderful brother and sister who help me out tremendously and we all allocated our jobs so we all knew what was expected out of the jobs before our parents "hit the wall." But most are not as blessed as I was and I still suffered burn out and had emotional breakdowns as I was/is the PC.
Your question of "So how do we continue to do good jobs as caretakers, take care of ourselves and our finances, and prepare for life as it will be when our loved ones die?" = There is not one easy answer to this question, it is a very difficult question to answer. Every situation is different and things will always change drastically when one is caring for ill parents, especially when one or both have dementia. One thing that I do know is that you must accept this role wholeheartedly and know what you are going to be up against. Being prepared is very important. We are thrown into this position and did not apply for it, so when it happens, and usually suddenly, homework is needed on your part a lot. You must be willing to it, if you are forced into it without wanting to do it, it will be much harder and even impossible to do it.
Pray to God for guidance and the strength to make the proper decisions on whether or not you will be the PC and that He guide you to the proper people and channels to help you day by day. And live only day by day. Do not fret/regret, about yesterday [we all make a lot of mistakes in the beginning], we learn as we go on, and try not to worry about tomorrow. Today has enough problems of its own. Deal with today. It would help us to know exactly what your parents' illnesses are to offer suggestions and advice from those who are going through the exact health problems your parents face-because they truly understand.

Sorry to be so cynical - but after years of 'caring' and 'giving' from the heart - only to be neglected and taken advantage of by the 'rest of the family' - who by the way - are my MIL's 'pride and joy's' because they actually come and visit every year or two for a couple of hours - lied about, verbally abused.

Care giving is not what we thought it would be. I still have to do it - but now it must be done at 'arms length' - working around when my MIL is not home, and using my husband as go between. All the hurt that has been caused by this selfish, hateful woman and yet, no apology. She does NOT have dementia. She has just, plain, turned mean and resentful.

By taking a stand and saying I will no longer 'be at her mercy or in the same room with her alone' - now I am REALLY the bad guy.

I arrange for visits and phone calls when we are away (planning to be away for a while later this month) - but who does she 'brag about?' The son who is going to come visit WHILE WE ARE GONE because he is too ashamed to show up when we are home!! Oh, he is sooooo IMPORTANT and is soooooo BUSY - that's why he only comes once a year and only stays 3-4 hours.

Do I sound angry? And I do not believe counseling will ever make me feel better about her other children's neglect of both their mother and her care giver!!

By the way, this other child won't even answer my emails or calls. He won't tell us WHEN he plans to come visit - that way he will just show up and screw up the schedule I have so carefully created for visits and calls. That's what he did last time. Because he is soooo important and sooooo busy that she just doesn't know ahead of time if/when he will show up. He will just show up - and whoever is on the schedule that day will just have to deal with it - after all, their time isn't important, only his.

Boy, I do sound angry. Think I will go out and rake leaves and burn this anger off.

Stressedspete, no, no, no, you were at the appropriate place to post. I just thought if u would also post it in that other area that you may get some more advice from people who already dealt with the issue similar to your situation n as well as from here.
oldcodger2,. I read your profile where you have been the caregiver for 7yrs for your mil.? She does seem to have a few illness n some of those along with the age can contribute to some cognitive loss. Of course, you r going to be the bad person for you are the caregiver that deals with her 24/7. A lot of people do get thrown into care-giving for I am one myself. However, we all have a choice to be the care-giver. On the other-hand, Can your husband n you get someone to come out so that u can get some break that won't cost a arm & leg? Have you tried Agency on Aging? You really need a break n Vent away. As for seeing a counselor, what do you got to lose if you gave it a try? You won't know until you try it. I understand you that you sound very frustrated n upset n that is not healthy for you. You R only human n you need to find a way to get some sort of break from the mil. I wish you luck.

Thanks lildeb - it was just ONE OF THOSE DAYS............

Yes, we will get a break soon. What I mentioned in my previous post is that I go to a lot of trouble soliciting and scheduling my kids and grandchild to visit and bring meals and I have solicited about a half dozen friends to help by calling and visiting during the day - it is a lot of work to do this - but they are willing and that way we can actually 'relax' while we are away.

Trouble is - her youngest just 'shows up' and 'screws up the schedule' without caring how inconvenient it may be to anyone else. He did this the last time we left and it sounds like he plans to do it again and it is just FRUSTRATING.

He basically IGNORS his mother 99% of the time - but if he decides to just 'drop in' he is JUST WONDERFUL - to come and see her when he is SO BUSY.

He won't answer my emails or phone calls - won't even tell us if/when he is coming - even though I have asked. He is just so absolutely RUDE. A real piece of work.

Raked leaves and got most of this out of my system. Her youngest child is just sooooo infuriating to me. Gotta let it go, gotta let it go, gotta let it go. Thanks to this forum - a dumping ground for a lot of frustrations. :0)

Talk, share? No one cares..unless of course you ask for help and it might inconvenience them. I have NEVER felt so alone in my life. I have cared for my father for a year and a half. I am engulfed by the guilt of a daughter that just can not do this much longer. I know I didn't answer anything here but I am mentally and physically.....I give up.

Darn, I type up some stuff n lost it. so here it goes again.

oldcodger2, It does seem that her youngest child is a spoiled brat or just don't give a sh_!. He does sound very rude by not giving a curiosity call to let you know he is coming.What would that hurt or maybe he's afraid u might ask him to bring or do something for his mom n that is why. You know those type just don't like to do anything that is inconvenience to them once in awhile. Of course it don't suppose to matter to us everyday, yeah right! btw, dump away for it does help some. I am sorry he is such an a$$. Try to not let him bother u for it seem their is no changing in someone that can care less. You r the better-caring person. Take every break u get a chance n remember to take care of yourself.
ClosetotheEdge, You r not alone with this for their are tons of us in similar situation like yours. Please come back n talk, vent n scream if u must for it helps relieve some of the tension. It always inconvenience for those who hardly lend a helping hand. I know a lot of us are in those same shoe's.
The both of you just hop on aboard n feel your way through this helpful site. Read some others post, talk n vent. for u will see you are Not the only ones dealing with similar situations. Check out the blue areas under "Caregiver Support n Caregiver Forum." Welcome to the site n please come back n let us know how you two r doing. I hope both of y'all r able to have a brighter day today.

P.S. I consider this place like a ciber family, a family I never had n I hope u two feel the same n can get some peace of mind, body n soul. Welcome again. ; )

Ty lildeb! Today I left my house crying my eyes out (hubby was with dad, he can never belief alone). My da had cussed me out once again. I am a very mild mannered person....yet I punched my mailbox so hard I went flying. What is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong 'CloseToTheEdge' that a nice long break wouldn't help. Any way to get away for even a short time? Anyone at all you could call on and beg some help from? Anger is a good sign of depression - been there, done that. It just isn't easy being the ONLY ONE and never being acknowledged or helped. You need some kind of help. If you can't get away or can't get someone to help you - then you need to TALK to someone regularly. I know I should do that too. I should follow my own advice :0( But, at least things are manageable here now - for a while. Hope your hand is ok - the mailbox can be replaced. Hope your day improves. I am sorry you are dealing with this - WE ALL KNOW IT IS HARD.

'Close to the Edge' WOW, you have just written what I would have written. I am sick and tired of the only one that wants to truly help my 90 yo father with Alzheimer's but he is turning against me. I know it is the disease but I am sick of the guilt trips, the accusations, the sneakiness and basic BS he dishes out on a regular basis. He is so negative about everything! I know he is depressed but I cannot help him and he has revoked my POA so I cannot even work with his doctors. No one else wants the responsibility. He wasn't much of a father to begin with but somehow I ended up with him and don't know what to do with him. I have no advice for anyone as I have no idea what I am doing or where to go next.

I have a question though, what things for him to do can I suggest at home to try and get him out of his funk? He works puzzles but is isolating himself more and more and hence getting grumpier and more depressed.

ClosetotheEdge, so sorry that your dad being a butt. You r fine for you r going through a lot with the care-giving stuff. You r only human just like everyone else here. It takes a lot to be a caregiver n you hitting that mail boxes is not doing you any good. Can u at least hit a pillow or crank up your music n your car n just scream!!!! I have done that myself n it does help to get the frustration out of your system n not on the person or yourself. Get it out of your system n try to remember that, dad is not all their with the health problems he is having. It does sound like he is taking it out on you n I am truly sorry that is happen. Unfortunately, a lot us caregivers get that great attitude just for being the caregiver. Their is always assisting livings n such to check out for him if it becomes that your health or his health is not doing good or u just cannot handle it anymore. You have to be able to take care of yourself for if you don't then who will? You still have your whole life ahead n you need to live it. I know this is easier said than done, but please Try not to take his crap seriously. You r Normal just like every other caregiver on this board. Search for some respite break time for yourself n u will be glad that you did.. "Agency on Aging" is a started n they can hook u up to some resources. Their price for a day of care-giving from them for us was way out of my budget because they based it on all the gross pay in the house. However, after they did an assessment they did have other places that I could try n a bit cheaper n now my mnl goes to a church that offers 4hrs a day for $22.00 bucks a day with a meal. I can only get her to go once a wk but, its better than no-break or I would be going off my rocker. So, welcome to the funny farm as someone else on this site says. ; ) Im not sure but you might could call this 24 hr hotline for Alzheimer's n they may be able to refer you to another hotline that deal with caregivers that r taking care of an elderly that has had a stroke. Oh, Remember to breath.

Need Help Anytime? 1-800-272-3900 Alzheimer's Ass.

oldcodger2, you gave great advice n yes, you both should seek if yall both can get some breaks-Respite care.
YOU BOTH can go to this site n click your state for the "Aging Care Agency" to see if they can help get both of y'all with some sort of Respite Break like I mention above to ClosetotheEdge. Here is the website.

https://www.agingcare.com/local/Area-Agency-on-Aging

StressedStpete n those taking care of someone with Alzheimer's, here is a website that offer support n 24 hotline too. Not sure is he living with y'all or r y'all living with him. You can consider about assistant living n their may be a way to get Guardianship if he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I'am not sure if it has to be in a certain stage. A lot of the stuff you have mention was crap I was going through with my husband's mom that I call the mnl other call it mil. I still deal with some of the stubborn stuff but not as bad so much n not sure if its because I have started to read n educate myself about this devastating disease or I am getting a bit mellow with the mnl? I think its the education to help understand n deal with some situations n I said, some. ; )

I do hope this helps all of y'all at least a little. Keep us posted on how y'all r doing n remember to don't sweat the small stuff n breath.... That we r all only human.

This is one of the other site I go to a lot n you can probable see why when u read the title. : )
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/Grossed-Out-Need-to-Vent-Just-caught-Mom-using-my-toothbrush-to-comb-her-hair-138180.htm

I had typed a nice long post and it went POOF! Ya gotta love computers!

Here goes another try. I will just say that I think eventually MOST caregivers are going to be dealing with a very ill and a very angry charge - someone who is depressed due to their losses and unable to deal with their anger and rage and so they take it out on the ONE person who is there for them - THE CAREGIVER!

I do believe it would take a SUPERMAN/WOMAN to deal with this day in and day out and not break down. It just plain wears you down to be WITH someone who is negative, depressed, belligerent, uncooperative, etc.

For me - the ONLY way I can handle this is to get away from it regularly. Sadly, these breaks didn't come soon enough. Eventually I had plenty of my own anger to deal with - a LOT of anger at the other siblings who were perfectly willing to 'sacrifice ME for their mother.'

Yes, screaming into a pillow or pounding on one helps temporarily and sure beats taking it out on a mailbox - but I can certainly understand how that can happen! Most of us can.

Sadly, for most - respite isn't a 'given.' IT COSTS MONEY - and often MORE money than one can afford - even when your sanity is at stake. But, somehow, you have to be able to get a break - the longer, the better.

The least a person should have at their disposal is a Lifeline necklace for the elderly person - and make sure you ask for the cheapest rate (we paid nearly $50 a month for 2 years before I told them I had found someone cheaper and then they miraculously said they could offer the service for $29 a month!!) So, ask for that $29 a month right off the bat and don't back down! That way, if your parent is well enough to at least push that button - you can leave the house for a few hours and know that help is just a push of a button away.

THEN schedule a long weekend and call on family and friends to step in. Tell them it is absolutely necessary and BEG - see if they will step up to the bat. (Make sure you can cancel your reservations without penalty - just in case begging doesn't work :0(

For us - the day care is just too expensive for what it is worth and a few hours doesn't help me that much. They want $100 a day - it does include meals and pick up/drop off - but that is quite a bit. They want $30 an hour for housecleaning. The same for a bath. So, I do the cleaning, she does her how bath - thankfully, she is strong enough for that and she has a nice walk in shower with heat, seat and rails and handheld shower

Thankfully, right now this minute - my MIL can bath herself. I don't HAVE to do ANY hands on caregiving. I know that could change at any time - all it will take is a health crisis - which she has regularly.

But, for now, I clean for her when she goes to the doctor or church. I make meals and my husband takes them to her. I fill her med boxes and she is able to take the meds (most of the time - she forgets a couple times a week). For now - and as long as her health holds - my caregiving is done at arms length. I have very little if any personal interaction with her - my husband deals with that.

I know this may change if her health fails or if she is hospitalized (which happens once or twice a year). But, for now, I don't have to see the dirty looks or hear the snide remarks and it has done wonders for my emotional well being.

I am also blessed with kids who will step in and help with their grandma from time to time and Church friends who do the same. We save them for a real break once or twice a year. One friend does meet my MIL at the foot doctor and escort her in/out every 12 weeks. My hubby takes her to her other more 'personal' doctor appointments. So, far - this arrangement it working.

I say DO WHATEVER NEEDS TO BE DONE to prevent yourself from having a stroke. Thankfully, my doctor finally told me WHAT I was dealing with here. That my MIL is unable to handle her anger and rage at all of her losses - and her losses are staggering - as they are for MOST elderly, sick people. She was taking everything out on me - and then denying it (she still does this).

We need to be honest with ourselves and know our limits - and even though I know that my MIL may not be thinking clearly - it doesn't change what she has done to me emotionally and physically and I knew I had to put a STOP to it. My doctor said she has 'chosen' me as her target. So, I guess you could say I am the 'chosen one.' :0)

She is still in complete and total denial - thinks that 'I am not dealing with things very well.' :0)

I feel that NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT to abuse another person - whether you are old and sick or not. I know that there are situations when an older person is not responsible for their behavior (as with dementia/ALZ) - but that is NOT the case with my MIL. She does NOT have any form of dementia. The doc says it is just plain anger!

I am just grateful that my doctor finally told me what exactly is making her this way and he also told us we need to 'remove her from our home.' That is not possible - so we have 'separated' - or at least I have. She can no longer just walk into our home and say or do as she pleases.

So, if all you can do is put a lock on your bedroom door - do that. Have a place of refuge - keep it neat and clean and pleasant. Buy flowers and keep them on your dresser or a houseplant you can care for and talk to :0). Play your favorite music. Light a nice candle (watch it though :0) Read. Do this for yourself!! Buy a box of Calgon and use it! Put yourself higher up on the list. Pray for a better day. It will come.