Actually, I thought I was handling it OK. Mom passed this last December, for the last 6 months she was pretty incapacitated. I thought I was doing OK because it was such a gradual thing, more and more responsability adding up on me, and I just went ahead and did it, and dealt with what came next. My days were long and very busy. Toward the last we had a young woman from Help at Home 3 days a week, an Hospice, They gave me some time to at least get out and do necessary shopping and when I had an appointment of my own. I was not shy about letting people, like my nieces, etc., know I was stressed, and they would tell me to call if I needed anything, but as far as being any actual help, they were none at all. And in truth, since I settled mom's affairs, NONE of them have called me - even once.

To cut to the end of the chase, or this entry would be intermidable, it has been about 6 months since mom passed, the first couple were spent with funeral arrangements and tying up her affairs, so I was very busy. Then there was some redecorating and painting so that I could move downstairs, but when things began to level out, I found I was not mourning mom - I know this sounds terrible and I am a very bad person, but I am mourning myself. I am mourning the fact I have lost track of who I am. I used to have a lot of interests, but none of them mean as much as they did to me before. I was absorbed by the job at hand, but lost all my joy in life that I had before. Somplace along the way I changed. At the moment I am trying despirately to get myself back, I find I cannot concentrate on a book more than 3 or 4 pages but I am trying, I am planning a trip for November, but it is hard, and a struggle to remain positive enough to not sit and brood about my lost last 10 years of my life - I am already 68 myself, and on some ways I feel my life is over. I look at my beloved dogs and my cat and realize I will have to be putting them down in a couple years too, and I just feel sad, all the time. Please do not suggest anti-depressants, I have gone that route already and really, they do not solve anything for me. I must fight this out myself, but the years of caretaking have taken a toll, and I repeat, I thought I was doing fine until after the fact was over. Be warned!

These are very good points, and I would add that asking for specific help is always great, like "I need an hour on Thursday at 9." And as non-caregivers who are reading this, it's always great to give specific help instead of just asking if there is any way to help, but if you offer to do laundry on a specific day or offer an afternoon of respite, then it's easier for a caregiver to accept.

The Visiting Nurse Service of New York just posted an article called "Why Caregivers Avoid Getting Help" and talk about the "Lone-Ranger Syndrom" and I thought it was enlightening.

Good luck! Stav

Good to see your post and hear from you again on this listserv. I hope you are able to go on that trip in November -- sounds like the start of something good.

Thanks Stephen and Stav - Transitions are ongoing - as I had to retire early and have only a modest IRA which is for emergencies and to pay the taxes on Tara I am finding it difficult to maintain this place without mom's contribution to monthly household expenses, and I am afraid I am going to have to put the place on the market, bad time, bad area. Not much in the way of job prospects in this area for an old guy with bad knees, Walmart can only use so many greeters...In dumping the house, most of the rest of it has to go too, and the dogs are not the kind that would be welcome in rentals for several reasons. This is why I feel guilty about planning on a trip, I should use the money in more sensable ways. So, the hits they just keep a comin'.

Given those factors, it does sound difficult. I don't know where you live, but there should be something out there for an intelligent person. I wonder if doing more caretaking or finding roommates or renters are options. I'm sure you've thought of everything, but sometimes a different perspective can help a bit.

Caretaking!!!??? Aaaarrrggg! (JK). Intelligent? I donno about that either anymore. Roommate I have thought of, difficult in this house without going into detail, maybe, thanks for the thought.

DT, I hope this vacation helps you start back feeling a positive lifestyle. When I was guardianship order by the state for my Mom and when she passed due to over hundreds things she did that she shouldn't and I couldn't help her. Well, I felt relief that she was gone to a better place. I did cry a bit and that was me thinking that I done something wrong or not enough for her. Yet, mainly relieved from all the extra stress n running around errands. Back then I was able to work until the yr of 2000 when I went on dialysis for two yrs. diabetes for over 30 yrs had taking it toll and me not taking better care of myself. I kind of know where you are coming from however, you are a bit older than me sorry,but age really don't mean anything if you look at it in the perspective that, "your only as old as you feel." : ) I mean that in a positive way.

Maybe like the other two mention about room-mate. My brother has one for his extra side of his double wide and they do pretty good and it helps pay the bills. Then maybe you could afford to go on that vacation.
You have several years of your life to go so, go live life to its fullest! Breath the fresh air and find out what you want for a change. I hope this helps pick up your spirit.

Hello DT, I've been hoping things seemed a little brighter for you now.

In your post you said " I must fight this out myself, but the years of caretaking have taken a toll, and I repeat, I thought I was doing fine until after the fact was over. Be warned!"

I've been thinking about that since I read it, and wonder if you have, in hindsight, any advice for those of us still in the trenches?

Stephen et al - Hindsight? --- Oi!, do I have hindsight! (JK) I have been reading the posts for a long time, I have to admit that in one way of looking at it I was luckier than most in that mom did not, at least, have dimentia - not sure how I would have been able to handle that, my heart goes out to those of you who hae to face that. On the other hand, mom having most of her marbles up until the last couple weeks was not easy either, in that she was and has always been a kind of overbearing, needy person, so I had to fight an everyday battle with a very canny person who had gotten her own way for a very long time this way. 11 years ago I realized this, after my dad died and I moved back here I had not realized how much of that dad had absorbed. Dad usually lived in his own world, without putting too fine a point on it, so most of it rolled off him, but I became sort of a 'serrogate husband', and I had to fight for my independance all over again. Important point --- !! --- Sometimes you have to train people how to treat you! I had to train mom to leave me alone. I had lived on my own for nearly a quarter of a century and got along quite well. As she became less able to take care of the house and herself, I was able to take on the extra responsability, as I said, it was a gradual thing. Also, I really did not have anyone to help share the responsability - I had relatives (Nieces) here in town but they really did not want to be bothered, they would always say "Let me know if you need anything". and "Tell Grandma we love her" (Why should I have to tell her, why can't you just call her or stop by and visit her and tell her yourself"). My problem was that I was not one to just call someone up and tell them to help, If they loved us as much as they pretended or convinced themselves that they did, you would think that they would take some sort of initiative and come by on their own? So -----, excessive pride was a problem, I should have just gotten angry and had it out with them a long time ago. Pride, as I see it, is a two bladed knife. You can have pride and not ask for help and suffer the consequences, or have enough pride in yourself to demand help to SAVE yourself. I should have trained other people that they had a responsability to both mom AND to me. But, as I said, I was in the middle of the mudpuddle before I realized how deep it was. Hope that may help some of you.

PS --- I am going to attend a berievment group done by the Hospice next month, but I was out front with the person I talked to and if asked will have to be equally out front with the group in that I am not grieving loss of mom, I am grieving loss of myself. I feel like I am a very bad person. One step at a time. (Italy is not for 6 months!!! AAARRRGGG!!!) --- a pu'tardi ----

Glad to hear you are going to Italy. Something to look forward to.

Thanks for the good advice. I'll work on setting the pride aside (have started accepting help when it is offered, not an easy thing to do. My own situation is interesting -- office just flooded, massive damage, so that is stressful, but caring for Mom is easier -- she recently expressed an interest in going out to concerts, so we get to the symphony now and then, and most of her illnesses and injuries are under control for now. I don't take anything for granted these days, and am grateful for the good days, aware that things could (and do) change in an instant.

DT; You have every right to grieve the loss of yourself. I posted on your wall as a result of reading your first post here. It moved me to tears and that doesn't happen every day. I put up emotional walls to allow me to handle my dad's care on a 24/7 basis. I try to not feel the loss of my own life and the time my husband and I could be spending together in our retirement. My husband always says, " This too shall pass, we have time." But I don't really buy that. Who knows how much time we have. I've had my parents care for almost 7 years and I feel so much older than my years.

Enough about me. I just am so sad for you and I applaud you at getting to the root of caregiving. Some can never come to grips with the loss of a parent, but I am so with you on acknowledging the loss of yourself. It's so honest and I thank you for your words.

My heartfelt best wishes go to you. I pray that you find some happiness and can eventually breath and enjoy that you are free. I know you have your pets and that is a big responsibility.....another heart to heart situation. I love my dogs too.

I am sending you love and white light...the brightest light possible. You are a dear soul. Take care, Cattails.

Thanks AC for the shout out for The Caregiver, how are YOU.... I'm a regular poster on that thread and many days I would just fold into myself if not for the non judging friendships on this thread.... sometime the laughter that ensues from our very difficult jobs helps me to not just start crying and never stop....Thanks again AC and yes, we do get honest about how we feel.... a very safe place to go at the end of a very trying day...... gratitude to AC...

I think every bereavement contains the loss of a self, of possibilities lost and, for the honest, some anger too. I hope you get a good group, but even if you don't, you'll get something out of it.

I think that it is normal to grieve for yourself n if is not than, something terribly is wrong with me besides my little loonyness. ; ) Do you have someone or any friends that you can talk too and get out of the house? I know I have not talk or saw any of mine since I have been care-taking n you probable are in the same boat. Have you thought about talking to a counselor? I did a little bit when i was going to college n talked about my mom situation n the load I had on me and some. It was originally suppose to be about me freaking out on test when I was timed on a test. I just go plum blank sometimes. My parents really had no education either. I finally did graduate with a Bachelor's of Science in Sociology at age 46 of last yr.
Anyway, I think if you talk a bit to a counselor it may help and you know have friends here too. I think some of us newby could use some of your experience dealing with dementia so please hang in their for it got to only get better for you in time.

hi DT my heart goes out to you, its so true that us carers are typically forgotten about once our loved one have gone. Your situation with your house and keeping it going and possibly having to put on the market, is like a slap in the face. You do mention your dogs and cats, I had terrible difficulty finding rented accommodation that would allow two dogs, but eventually got a one bed flat with my own front door which allows pets. Its pretty bad area and not my favourite place iv ever lived, but if your pets are important to you and your happiness keep looking and asking any one and everyone. Check the small ads in local shops etc. I wish you luck, and as far as what you experienced with lack of help from family, I dont think it should matter how you ask for help, the people that will help will be there, and the ones that have no intention will never be there. one memeber of my family has totally abandoned my mam who has vasc dementia, we have tried all ways, and not only for help just for him to come see mam so she can enjoy his company and her grandson, but he just ignores our texts and calls, which means mam will loose her memory of him sooner than she might of . We dont even get the thing of oh tell mam im asking about her, the only time we will see him will be at her funeral shedding tears and I feel like a bad person thinking that and saying it

I totally get losing yourself. Mom is a wonderful person but I have definitely lost my sense of being in control of my destiny in this world. I'm 52 and mom's journey with PD and me as her primary is far from over and I'm dreading having to face 1) no job due to economy and age factors 2) the lost income of that prospect i.e. possible pension and SS because of #1 and 3) being out of the loop for so long and the loss of friends because of that. The only real friend I have now is my boyfriend whom I've been carrying on a long distance relationship with for the past 3 yrs since I starated this caregiving journey but who knows how long his patience will last. When I moved in to help mom I foolishly thought would be "a few years until mom goes to a facility". I can't relate to anyone (sometimes not even my boyfriend). We got together for Memorial Day weekend but it's stressful to try and get together and expensive (flights, meals out, hotels). Plus, I've changed so much beacuse of this that I'm not the 'fun and carefree person I once was. I try, but I'm not. Even my boyfriend said to me this past weekend the thing I hate people to say "One day you will look back and know you did the right thing". How do they know that. What if it is 10 yrs from now and i'm 62 and I'll tell you right now if they're not looking to hire people who are over 50 -- how is being older better? I wanted to bop him w hen he said it but I don't want to fight with him too much when we hardly see each other -- although with the menopause and the loss of life as a caregier -- I'm not an easy person. I of course can't tell my mom how my feelings b/c she's got a full time job getting through the day with Stage 4 PD. I mistakenly mentioned once that being out of the job market was not going to help me in the future (i.e. pension, ss). She told me I was "too young to be worried about soc security". Really -- interesting. Mom is in her own world where she's going to 'get better' with vitamins and phys therapy and since she's paying my room and board and medical -- why should I worry. But I do worry because I look into the future and right now i see an abyss.

Hi all, I have had some computer problems (this always happens to me...) and have been out of touch for awhile, just catching up, have not had time to read all of these posts that I have missed yet. Good to see that you all are still pressing forward. As for me, it is ongoing, I am going to to a telecommunication support with the VA next week, I am sure some of you may be interested to know what that is all about, will let you know. Still suffering under some rage as to how quickly I have been bypassed by those who profess to love me whenever I see them, will expound more later. That's all for now, got some stuff to do.

I just happened onto this post and I hope you are doing better and have been able to work through some of your grief over your personal loss - the loss of 10 years of your life - and likely some of the better years of your life.

And Italy sounds wonderful. I hope it is 'just what the doctor ordered!' Try to have a wonderful time and RELAX!

We all have so many different stories on this forum - every situation is different - yet so much the same. I too, feel I have lost a lot that I didn't intend to lose in this process of caregiving. Years of my life and my health. I am hoping to regain my health - IF we are able to place my MIL in a ALF soon. Otherwise, we could be sharing a room at the NH.

This article said to 'ask for help.' It doesn't say what to do when the answer to your request is always NO. The no's have multiplied over the years until I finally had to say NO - NO MORE CAREGIVING. I feel that her other two sons can 'save' their mother from the ALF by taking her home with them. Neither of them can do that. They wouldn't even offer respite to me - what chance does she have of them taking her home and caring for her long term?

I know I will still be involved in her care (if she forgives me and allows me be part of her life) - and I will do what I can for her - but I cannot do what I have done in the past - all alone - anymore.

I have read these forums and know how difficult so many of you have it. Far worse than I have had it. But each one of us does what they can for as long as they can. But when you hit the wall - well, you hit the wall.

We had a situation occur last week that was the 'final straw' and made me move forward with the plans for the ALF. Sometimes you just KNOW that it is time. We are fortunate to be able to move her (were are pretty sure this will happen soon) to a wonderful facility where we know some of the staff and have known some of the residents personally. It bodes well for a facility when someone works there 25+ years and doesn't complain. The same for residing there and not bad mouthing the place. We think she will actually be happier there. She just doesn't know it.

My hope is that I can once again become her friend.

To all you caregivers - I salute you.

DT - re:"Still suffering under some rage as to how quickly I have been bypassed by those who profess to love me whenever I see them . . . ." Remember, if they are not or have never been a care giver - 'forgive them - for they know not what they do' - remember when we were ignorant? Back when we had a life and it didn't include care giving?

Try to make new friends - get involved in something that interests you and in the process - you will meet people who have similar interests and maybe something good will happen. Take care of yourself and keep posting...............

Can someone help me????

Hello all, I am starting the 3rd week of my 1st time being a caregiver. I am caring my step Grandfather who has Parkinson's disease. This is quite possibly the highest level of stress I have been exposed to in my life. I am empathetic to the frustration he must feel;losing his motor-skills, and what must be a painful realization that his independence is slowly slipping away.However, I was not aware of the disrespect and rebellious, ungrateful and demanding attitude that he displays on a daily basis. I constantly pray to GOD for patience, understanding and a forgiving heart. I now know that this is all my fault. I should have looked for a site like Aging Care .com to get educated and a better understanding of his disease before jumping into what I now feel is a complete nightmare, 90% of the time. When I ask him questions like, "how are you feeling?" or, "did you enjoy your breakfast, lunch, dinner ?", etc. he answers me by pointing out the 1 thing he did not like. Instead of acknowledging the 9 out of 10 that he did like. He never shows, nor says what he likes. He only points out what he dislikes. Is the disease at work?
I don't need a thank you. I just need some positive feedback on what pleases him, so I could concentrate on the good things instead of guessing on what I think he likes. In addition to that; I swear he does the opposite of everything I ask of him to kindly do.No matter how politely I ask, with sugar on top, he does the complete opposite. Even when I ask him to please leave his dishes at the table, I will pick them up in a minute. When I am done with whatever it is I'm doing at that time. NO! Instead he get's right up and takes the dishes, and literally steps in between the area I am cleaning and sets them right in my way. Is this also the disease at work? I don't know what to expect anymore. I will not give up on him. But, I am desperate from someone out there with any experience and/or suggestions that I could use to cope with this stress.
Best Regard,
Joseph....

Ibessolo/Joseph - you like many of us here on AgingCare 'leaped' before we 'looked.' :0( Or we began our journey when things 'weren't quite so bad' and now they have deteriorated.

Are you his only family? I don't know the dynamics of your relationship - but the first thing I would do would be to go to your local 'Area Agency on Aging' and talk with someone there about 'options' and any sort of help he would qualify for.

With our situation (sounds so very similar to yours that it is frightening) my mother in law has gotten into a 'habit' (we thought maybe her mind was going - but now we are not so sure about that one) of being unkind to me - her primary care giver. It has gotten to the point that we have taken steps to place her in an Asst. Living facility - very soon.

Of course, I am left with all sorts of mixed up emotions - the worst of which is guilt and pity. But since this has affected every aspect of my life and I now fear for my own health and life - something must change.

So, this morning when she came in for breakfast my husband said that when he got back from work today he wanted to 'sit down and have a little talk' about THINGS. She said she had already made up her mind to 'GO' - there was no need to talk about it anymore.

I mentioned to her that I didn't mind doing the things I did for her - I do them gladly - but it was her attitude towards me and the unkind things she said and insinuated that hurt me and made me angry.

I would 'react' by getting angry and leaving the room. The vast majority of the time I did NOT say anything back to her - but just left the room - but she knew she had upset me.

I reminded her of the 'thing' she had done last week that provoked my anger - she had insinuated that I was doing something sneaky and underhanded with her pension check. I have cashed her pension check for her dozens of times over the years - she put my name on her checking account years ago - of her own choice - for convenience. I have never given her any reason to doubt my honesty when it comes to her money.

She said 'Well, I want you to know that I didn't mean anything by that" and I said - I beg to differ. YOU DID mean something by that. When you approached me you were infuriated - you insulted me and you have never apologized. You have done this many times. She just turned it to me and said "YOU GET ANGRY AT ME TOO" - and I said that my getting upset was a REACTION to her insults, snide remarks her general way of treating me.

I said that she treats me completely differently than she treats her doctor, her visitors, anyone who calls her. And her answer? "Well, YOU TICK ME OFF!!"

So, there we had it. Whether for real or imaginary reasons, she had finally admitted that resented me. This situation has deteriorated over the last couple years and especially the last 6 months since she had a stroke. I thought she just had dementia - until a kind person on this forum who HAS dementia told me that a person with true dementia cannot 'scheme' this way. Does not manipulate. Cannot be one way with one person and then instantly 'change their demeanor' when another person enters the room and BECOME someone else. That she was 'choosing' how she was going to treat me.

Once I understood this - that just as she could choose to treat me with contempt, disapproval, etc., she could also CHOOSE to 'hold her tongue' and just NOT say the things that came out so easily in my presence - the things that were negative and hurtful and ungrateful - then we realized it was time to live apart.

What it came down to was she felt that this way of hurting me was HER only defense against what she could not control - her downward spirally health and her continued losses in independence.

She has experienced many personal losses as well - she has lost a sister in law and a close friend in just the last 6 months alone. Her own health continues to get worse and worse. The more I do for her - the more she resents me.

So, we realize that since she WILL NOT even acknowledge that she HAS a choice here - to treat me with respect - or not - and that choosing to continue to verbally abuse me - and act out by pouting and not speaking - we have NO other choice but to have her live elsewhere and we will go back to just being her family.

We will visit her and engage her and let someone else do the care giving. Her other children 'just can't help' - and THAT is just another long story. You will find as you go live through this care giving 'drama' - you will have very little help, if any, from others. Most caregivers are 'on their own' and this is the saddest part of care giving. That no one cares enough to help and that they DO NOT UNDERSTAND what you are dealing with. THANK GOODNESS FOR AGINGCARE.

I would suggest counseling for BOTH of you if you are having this much trouble so early on in the care giving arrangement. Caregivers do their 'duty' out of love and care for the other person. We want to make things easier for them - SAVE them from ALF or Nursing homes - but what we cannot always save them from is themselves and the consequences of their actions.

I know you will get more replies and I hope that something someone says here on these forums helps you in your journey. You have a long, rough road ahead of you. Everyone on this forum has their own story to tell. We all come from different perspectives. But you may be able to glean what you need from what is written here. You will get support here. I hope it helps you.

I want to thank you very much for your comments on my situation. You hit the nail on the head when you said,"Caregivers do their 'duty' out of love and care for the other person." I agreed to do this because his kids don't talk to him and he hated being in a home. My Mother was in desperate need for help and I decided to take the weight off of her. She was coming at least 2 or 3 times a week to see him and take him to doctor appointments, etc. The bottom line for me was that the Lord put it on my heart to help. I thought I knew this guy. But, it turns out that I was wrong. For the love of GOD, my Mom and the memory of my Grandmother, I jumped into this situation without doing my homework. Seeing my Mom's health suffer from the stress of the hour and a 1/2 long drive one way and an hour and a 1/2 back was killing her. So, here I am. I have to own it. It's my fault. I am learning some hard lessons. I hope one day my experience will help someone in the future. Just as you have helped me today by sharing your story with me. You have no idea how much your reply has helped me.
May GOD bless you and your family.
Sincerely,
Joseph...

Joseph, let'd talk first about what is your fault.

Granddad has Parkinson's. Your fault? Nope.

Mother has her own health issues and is unable to continue providing the level of care she'd like to. Your fault? Don't think so.

Granddad's personality and behavior is less than cordial and pleasant. Your fault? No again.

Your ways of interacting with Granddad don't seem to bring out his best. Your fault? Maybe. But, hey, this is your third week on the job, and you've had no training. Cut yourself some slack. (And get some training.)

You didn't research what you were getting into before you took the caregiving plunge. Your fault? Yep, guilty as charged. Sooner would have been better, but late is better than never.

It may be a good idea to sort out what you do and don't have control over, so that you can focus your energy on things you can control, and let the rest go.

We all want/need positive feedback on our efforts. Be sure to be in situations where you are going to get that. Sing in the choir where you'll be told what a great tenor you are! Join the book club where it will be obvious the other members respect your insights and opinions. Talk about your caregiving to your mother, who will (we can hope) express her appreciation of what you are doing. Post here for the same reason. Set yourself up for postive feedback. But don't demand/expect it from Granddad. That he can't/won't give it to you is Not Your Fault. Trying to change that is probably futile and definitely frustrating.

Does Granddad have some dementia? Not everyone with Parkinson's does, but it is fairly common. (Often the dementia that goes with Parkinson's is Lewy Body Dementia, not Alzheimer's.) This is worth considering because it helps establish what you can expect to control. You thought you knew this man. Maybe you did, and he has changed, through the disease process. It makes a difference if you are dealing with a stubborn, ungrateful old coot or a confused person who is slowly losing control over his mind. You can't go to the drugstore and get a test kit to see if Granddad has dementia. You'll have to use your powers of observations AND learn about Parkinsons and dementia ... the homework you should have done before accepting this assignment.

Keep in mind that you have choices. There are some things you can control. You jumped into this situation, and you can jump out. But it is early days yet and you can also choose to educate yourself, adapt and adjust, and salvage some good things out of this situation.

Best wishes to you on this very challenging journey.

A sense of humor always helps.
Remembering to breathe.
And having someone to talk with.
I committed to caring for my mother for a year after she became ill when her husband died, and it turned into a lifetime commitment. Without my friends, my yoga class, lots of prayers and a sense of humor I don't know how I could have done it. Juggling work and caretaking and a social life is almost impossible. On the upside I am happy to be of service, and take care of someone I love, and I have definitely had a chance to work on a lot of my ego issues...

and its heart breaking to know am alone !!!!!!

I would like to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart. For the amazing suggestions on how to handle my Step Grandfather. I prayed and prayed again for support. And many people took their valuable time to help me. The responses enlightened me, deeply. Thank you again and may GOD bless you all .
Thanks to AgingCare as well for this support site.
Sincerely,
Joseph....

I am reading your comments and can't help but think how great it is you are going on your trip.
My sister had a terrible divorce, lost everything her home, marriage, family(inlaws and all their get togethers), friends (all were mostly her ex husbands,) and retirement income. She had not worked outside the home, and took care of the house ( he made alot so she managed the home) She had devoted herself for 17 years completely to her ex and the home.
She had to start over, at late 50's with alimony for a few years. She took a trip to Europe. It changed her perspective...she experienced fun, hope, life again....first time since the separation.
Little by little, she joined into life again, joined a support group, got an apartment (very difficult leaving the house, but she picked a nice apt so she would enjoy living there and made teh transition easier.) Along the way made a few new friends.

It took several years, but she is now looking at living in the south, warmer, cheaper, friendlier, and is looking at getting certified in yoga to help earn some cash.


Just wanted you to know that new starts are always possible.

P.S. My 77 year old widowed neighbor who lived in our condo complex just sold her unit and moved to a 55+ brand new, rent controlled based on income apartment.
She LOVES it. I saw her the other day and she was beaming from ear to ear.
She does not miss this place at all..a new start!

You will have one too my friend...it may take a little while to get through all of this, but you will be ok!

jbessolo & jeannegibbs, gives great example to help keep your sanity n please try them. Also, try looking at him as he is saying, "he likes 9 out of 10," of what ever you fixed for him to eat n that is pretty good! Give yourself a huge pat-on-the-back. ; )
Also, try to look at the situation that you have found a onlie site that U can get on to get some advice, support, education n praise. If u need to vent on here then, please do so for it really helps you instead of bottling it up all inside n then taking out on a love one. Go in your car n turn up radio n scream if u must n say a prayer to give you strength for you will need it. I try to start each day positive with my mnl whom has moderate AD. Remember that this is NOT your fault! Last but not least like jeannegibbs that, "You have choices." sorry Jeannegibbs, but u gave a lot of great information n I had to repeat some of them.
keep us posted on how u r doing n think of something positive to get u going each day.

DT,

Thanks so much for your post. I am having a bad caretaker day, as my 88 year old mother can't stop with the snide remarks about maybe if you didn't go out so much you would have more time to get things done. I totally lost it today and cannot stop crying. I am 65 years old and feel exactly as you do that I too am losing tract of myself. I spend all of my time driving very elderly women around and feel guilty if I take time for myself, so the snarky comment from the elderly person that helps push the guilt button has suddenly become too much for me. I guess it is time to start looking for help, as I know I can no longer continue to live like this. And I do not think you are bad that you are not mourning. I think my own health is deteriorating and I will be surprised that my mom will surely outlive me, as her nastly comments continue to push me closer to the grave.
Sad in SC