I get so resentful and mad which I need to let go of. But why am I the only one doing everything???? No one EVER EVER asks if I need help. It is just assumed and ignorant to think things just take care of themselves. I am getting married and moving out within a month (finger's crossed!) and I am already cooking up anxiety ridden senario's about getting phone calls regarding my parent. My fiance said I should expect a call saying they need help but when is enough enough for one person? Any advice would be much appreciated.
It comes our way and ya do what ya gotta do. I'm a very reluctant caregiver and I know I'm not alone. You don't think of this stuff then all of a sudden your parents are mid 80s, have made a big mess of things, you're in your 60s, thought it you were going to coast through your golden years and BAM!
I Sometimes lecture my younger friends about getting prepared for their parents decline. They're like, yeah sure. Get right on that POA. They usually do nothing till the ..... Hits the fan.
Not that this helps you (or me, or any other caregiver). I hope your family members do pick up the slack and you are able to start your new marriage without letting yourself get dragged into all your parent's problems. Good luck!
If I were Mary I'd want to kill myself. And my mother. And my sisters. I did think it was interesting, though, how she described getting chosen for this job.
As soon as a sibling, mother, aunt ANYONE takes over elder care everyone else breathes a sigh of relief and moves on. My sibs have both died but even when they were living I saw where this was going. It was gonna be me doing the heavy lifting with my folks.
Everyone knows that you are moving out. You have, in effect, given your notice. I like JoAnn's suggestions about lists. One list of all the things your father needs help with. Keep this list at least several days -- it is easy to forget things you do automatically.
Then from that list, decide which you want to continue doing, if any. Make another list, or mark them on the big list. These are things your family needs to know. Now they get to make their own decisions. How will these other tasks get done?
And there are also issues that often linger well after childhood and into adulthood - friction between parent and siblings, between the siblings, career commitments that siblings don't want to interrupt, and more and more issues.
Some people also just do not have the capacity or personality to care for others. Caregiving takes a tremendous emotional toll.
When you move out to be married, (many blessings), make a clean break by giving siblings notice that you will be unavailable at all for the first six months of your marriage (or however longer).
Give parents the number of the siblings to call for help.
You will be changing your number and phone service anyway, once married?
Call it a six-month honeymoon.
It's that some people don't have commitments to other people, to animals, or even to nature or wildlife. Although I haven't seen much about this lately (as it seems that people step up to support their particular causes), over the years there have been incidences in which someone was injured, was being abused (and this especially applies to animals), yet no one stepped up to intervene.
Sometimes this applies to people who are careless in forests, or who deliberately deface monuments or buildings. There's an essential lack of connection with others and with nature.
This seems like a far cry from caregiving, but is there a common attitude here?
I think there's a subclass of people who just don't want to get involved, period, whether it's with family, with and on behalf of animals, or even politics (they don't even vote). Is it ambivalence? Irresponsibility? I don't know, but they do exist.
See All Answers