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My dad and his wife are in their 90's. Dad has 24/7 care with various caregivers. Dad's wife was diagnosed with either colon blockage or colon cancer; she won't tell us but we know she is going through immunotherapy and sleeping every time I visit dad (weekly). I have always gone to all of dad's dr appts and it is usually the 3 of us (me, dad, dad's wife). She did not attend his last appointment which was at the independent living facility (she went to get a haircut instead). She is not going to his neurologist appointment (for his dizziness) and she wants the caregiver to attend because "she has all his info so will need to be included in visit with doc". This "info" is a written list of his blood pressure readings, that's it. I visit him every week (I live 2 1/2 hours away) and go to every doctor appt. I also had to take over when she was in the hospital for over 2 weeks and straighten out the mess with his meds. This caregiver doesn't know what med's he's taking as another caregiver sorts them into a pill box. She's there 3 days a week for 12 hours each of the days.
Curious if this is normal, for the caregiver to attend a dr. appt when the patient's family is there. I would be interested to hear some opinions on this. Thanks!

Sounds like dad's wife is beginning to have cognitive troubles herself.
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Reply to SamTheManager
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Can you get permission from your father to check his chart? I'm my mother's medical decision maker (she has dementia), so even if I can't go, I can see the medication list, visit report and doctor's notes. All you'd need is his permission for the doctor to talk with you. Until 6 months ago, my mom wouldn't let me come to an appointment. I wrote to the doctor, asked her to ask my mother if sharing info with me would be okay, and my mother said yes. It was easier than me asking, because she tends to be very negative around me.
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Reply to TeethGrinder65
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KT2930 Mar 24, 2026
Thank you. Yes, I have access to all of his on-line portals. He does not do well at appts without his wife who answers most of the questions for him or he answers and asks her to confirm. Not sure why she’s not going; I know she has medical issues now, but she did go out for lunch w her daughter this wknd. I will be asking the questions, etc w the dr. I am next for MPOA and I’m on the HIPPA doc.
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I would only have the caregiver at the appointment if s/he also had you on speaker phone during the appointment. It is not part of the caregiver's responsibility to manage the medical side of things. Last fall I had to have my Mom's paid caregiver take her to a doc appointment for cellulitis when I was in bed after a foot surgery. I had them on speakerphone during the appointment. Put am my Mom's MPoA and her clinic had all the paperwork and my authority was active. She had also filled out the HIPAA Medical Representative form allowing her medical team to legally discuss her private information with me. I have a medical portal for my Mom set up for many years now. Does your Dad have an online portal for his clinic? If not and this is an option, I would definitely set it up for him.

I would only have the caregiver be his transportation to his appointments if they are too frequent and you don't need to make those long trips. You can also suggest he hire a Geriatric Care Manage rather than have a caregiver do it. Caregivers (especially if they are from agencies) can quit and then what?

Does his wife have adult children who are her PoA? If she doesn't have one, or it's your elderly Dad, then this will eventually become more of a problem as she becomes sicker.
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Reply to Geaton777
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KT2930 Mar 24, 2026
The caregiver will ride in the transportation van and I always go to the appts in person. She is just one of many caregivers but she is there 3 days a week. I get the feeling she wants the caregiver there in her (wife’s) place. I’ll bring the MPOA form since I’m next and she’s not there. I also am on HIPPA and have access to all his portals. Wife won’t use the portals and told me if I wanted to know about dad’s health, I needed to look at the portal. She refuses to tell us anything and dad has slight dementia so he can’t tell us anything. One of her daughters, I believe, is her MPOA. Dad was never her POA or MPOA.
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It's always wise to have another person sit in the appt. and even take notes. Especially elderly with cognitive or memory issues.

They won't remember anything when they get home. I've seen it many times. It makes the hassle and expense of a Doctor visit a waste of time and money. Especially with a Specialist! I would take a notebook and pen, and have a few questions (that the patient will forget to ask, of course).

It doesn't matter who, just someone as backup ears.
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Reply to Dawn88
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KT2930 Mar 24, 2026
Thanks Dawn. I go to all his appts. Just wanted to know opinions about part time caregiver also attending Dr appt.
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Normal varies. It’s not unusual for a regular caregiver to attend an appointment at the request of a family member, in this instance your dad’s wife, to provide information or take notes. Your description of dad and his wife’s level of needs sounds like independent living is no longer the most appropriate living situation for them. Perhaps assisted living is now needed
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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KT2930 Mar 23, 2026
Yes, my sister and I have checked this out. They both refuse to go/discuss it. We have asked the social worker to also talk to them and they told her no also. The social worker put them on a wait list.
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KT2930, I remember taking my parents to doctor appointments and sitting in, just listening because I knew how important it was to have another set of ears listening. Afterwards my parents would be chatting about the appointment and I am thinking were we at the "same appointment"???


Later when it was just my Dad (Mom had passed), and times when I couldn't take Dad to an appointment, I had his daytime caregiver, who was more than happy, to take him and sit in at the appointment. Then as soon as they got home, the caregiver would call me at work with what was discussed. Now, Dad's day time caregivers were women in their 60's, who had taken care of their own Dads and were familiar with different issues such as mild dementia, high blood pressure, etc. so I felt comfortable doing this.
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Reply to freqflyer
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KT2930 Mar 23, 2026
Thank you. Yes, I am in the same boat with you. They (she, as he has slight dementia) never go to an appt with a plan or list of questions. That's where I usually jump in towards the end of the appt.

I can see the caregiver going if family is not there, but I will be there. Just not sure she needs to attend. I don't think she will have anything to add to the appointment.
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