My husband is 80 he has heath problems so I take help him. I am 62 post menopause. He suffers from erectile disfunction and has diabetes. That does not bother me but he wants sex all the time. He talks about it, he says how his old girlfriend would do it. I don't want sex or to touch it. I don't know why but I feel like a nun. It does not bother me to not have sex but I try to tell him and he thinks I am seeing someone. I am always home taking care of him. What can I do?
I agree with Both funkygrandma59 (original answer) AND Sandra2424 -
perhaps suggesting the OP has "lost that part of her femininity at a young age" may not have been the best wording choice.
And the "hand job"? I kid you not, when my husband was in a nursing home after a massive stroke at the age of 53, the nurse in charge delicately asked me if I would be willing to do something to sexually satisfy him, because they thought he was acting inappropriately with staff. I thought that was crazy, but, one day, decided to try it out when I was alone with him. That fizzled out quickly. He was surprised and confused, and said, "no".
What I learned was that he WAS NOT intentionally acting out in a sexual manner with staff, he just had very little motor control or impulse control. He felt vulnerable and scared and was trying to swat away the young girls who were attempting to provide personal cares. He may have inadvertently touched them in a sensitive area, or he may have intimidated them with his impulsive attitude, because, at 53, he had previously been very sexually active and desired by women. We are both at an age where casual sex was an accepted part of our early years.
Now, 11 years later, I have to be careful not to sexually harass my husband. I, thankfully, no longer have a desire for sex, so that doesn't bother me. He obviously does not want that either. But, he is also leery of any affection from me, even a small peck on his cheek or forehead.
I just want to add that when he was in the nursing home, there was an older man, probably in his 80's, who was very inappropriate, making suggestive comments to young women. I found that disturbing. I think medication can help.
There were many women on this forum describing how they changed diapers or cleaned husband’s mess and men wanted sex. I cannot even imagine that.
Some women felt as wives it was their duty.
It isn’t.
Enough said as Burntcaregiver said it so well and it is outdated concept,
Well, as I see it, I can think of 3 options for you; I don't know what is best or what might work for you;
1) You could just indulge him, at least some of the time. Go ahead and have sex with him even if you don't really feel like it. If you find it totally repulsive and can't stand the thought of it, then
2) Maybe you encourage him to find someone else who is willing to have sex with him.
3) Talk to his doctor about medication or some way to minimize his sex drive.
If you do truly love him and want to reassure him, try giving him a little extra attention, smile at him, tell him you love him, and be affectionate; snuggle, hug, give him a kiss, hold his hand, whatever you feel comfortable with to let him know you are still here for him and not interested in someone else.
If you don't even like being around him and don't love taking care of him, then you might consider finding an assisted living or memory care home for him. Or, simply move out if this is a relationship which you don't want any part of.
I agree with you. I think it was rather vulgar of Funkygrandma to suggest the OP give her old man a hand-job. Yet, the people on this thread are telling you off, SMH...
Speaking as a female who men have been coming onto since I was about 12 years old, I can say I'll be very happy indeed when I get to the age that I've heard women describe as becoming "invisible" to the opposite sex. I'm in my 50's. I await the day when men stop coming onto me. Including my husband.
@Funkygrandma
I usually tend to agree with your good advice, but you're way off on this one. A woman's femininity isn't determined by whether or not she is having sex. That's a very outdated, patriarichal, anti-feminist belief. Many women lose interest in sex after menopause and many men lose interest when they get older. This is also natural for many people. That does not make the women any less feminine or the men any less masculine.
I've had a man in my life since I was a teenager. I'm tired. As I get older other things become more important then sex. If that's the only thing keeping a couple together, they should find some other interests.
There was no ill intent with what I told her nor was there any religious undertones or "lecture."
Plus if you read her post she only lists ED and diabetes as her husbands "health issues" which you and I both know don't require her constant care, so I was going off of what the OP shared, as that is all any of us have to go by. No where does she mention having to change her husbands diapers or the like.
And as I said in my original response to the OP that if her husband has dementia (which she didn't mention) that there are drugs to curb her husbands sexual appetite, and for her to talk to his doctor.
I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you good luck and Godspeed with a difficult situation. If he ever pushes you past your limit or hurts you, do not hesitate to call 911 and have him transported to the ER for a psych evaluation.
She is a full time caregiver and he obviously has signs of dementia and is obsessed and delusional about this behavior, and she should be joyfully available between helping him and all the other caregiving tasks? She put forward the question on a sensitive subject and I admire her honesty. There is nothing wrong with her. It is just the way she feels She deserves practical advice and not a lecture on religion and marriage.
I don't believe that you being "post menopausal" has anything to do with you not wanting to make love to your husband as many of us post menopausal women(myself included)would love to have someone in our lives who desires us, and who could still make love in one way or another.
It sounds like there's more to your story than what you've shared. And the fact that you mentioned that your husband's health issues are just ED and diabetes doesn't really require you having to stay home and care for him does it?
And I guess since you say that you don't want to even "touch it" that you're not open for just a hand job then either huh?
I'm sorry you've lost that part of your femininity at such a young age of 62(you may need to see your doctor as to why), and I don't recommend doing anything you truly don't want to, but I do believe that there should be some kind of a compromise between the 2 of you that would satisfy you both.
I'm wishing you both well in figuring out just what that is.
Now on a side note...if your husband indeed has some form of dementia and that's what's causing his wanting to have sex all the time, then you may need to speak to his doctor as there are medications that can curb that.
Otherwise it should be all about the compromise.
If he does have dementia, the hyper-sexual behavior is common. Ask his doctor what kind of medication can put the brakes on it, then get it. If you can put it in his food and drink without him even knowing, great.
Whether he hs dementia or not, you need a break from him. You are not an old woman and should not be at home 24/7 taking care of him like a drudge.
You need a life of your own outside of the house that isn't caregiving. You can still be a caregiver to your husband. If he doesn't like it, too bad. Caregiver burnout is real and caregivers have to try to safeguard themselves against it as much as possible. Bring in outside hired help if you need to. Get out of the house as much as you can. Socialize with friends and do things you enjoy without your husband. Good luck.
You have not mentioned any cognitive impairment or diagnosis, but this type of hypersexuality can be part of some dementias, sort of like OCD. I would talk to his doctor as there is medication that can address this. Treatment depends on the severity and the cause.
From ChatGPT5.5...
1. Non-medication approaches (first-line when possible). These may include:
Calmly redirecting the person to another activity.
Avoiding arguments or shaming.
Looking for triggers such as boredom, loneliness, anxiety, or confusion.
Ensuring privacy if the behavior is not harmful.
Adjusting clothing if there is frequent disrobing.
2. Review medications - Some drugs can contribute to hypersexuality, including:
dopamine agonists used for Parkinson's disease,
certain stimulant medications,
occasionally other psychoactive drugs.
A medication review by the prescribing clinician is important.
3. Treat underlying distress - Sometimes apparent hypersexuality is driven by:
anxiety,
loneliness,
agitation,
or unmet emotional needs.
Addressing those issues may reduce the behavior.
4. Medications
When the behavior is persistent, causes significant distress, or creates a safety issue, physicians sometimes prescribe medications. Common options include:
SSRIs (such as sertraline or citalopram), which can reduce compulsive or intrusive sexual behaviors in some patients.
Other psychiatric medications may be considered in selected cases when symptoms are severe.
In rare, extreme situations where there is dangerous or uncontrollable behavior, specialists may consider medications that suppress testosterone, but these are generally reserved for exceptional circumstances because of their significant side effects and ethical considerations.