My mom, 85, has smoked since the age of 16. Four packs of cigarettes a day for years. I am a non smoker. I care for her from an hour away. My brother smokes and lives close to her. It's been this way for years. She's never once visited my home. I am her POA and take care of all her banking, bills and groceries and my brother visits her thru the week when he's not working.
Mom is now in late stages COPD, very shaky and may not renew her apartments lease for the year as she may not make it till then. So we are deciding what to do from here. My brothers home is where she used to go if needed after a hospital stay (heart attacks) but now he has 2 large Great Danes and 2 cats so mom doesn't wish to go there.Our home is smoke free and she still smokes ..if she's awake, she has a cigarette in her hand. I don't want to go to her home with the dangers of second and third hand smoke. She doesn't want a stranger in her home for care. She's embarrassed by the lack of cleanliness thru the years as her carpet is 20 years old with smoke damage on the walls. Believe me, I tried to get all of these things cleaned and managed but she always refused.If she doesn't pass in her home before she needs care..baths, food prep, medication ....what can I do? We can't place a mobile home on our lot..I so would love to care for her, it was always what I had hoped..she and I bumming out doing jigsaw puzzles..going for lunch ..sitting on the patio watching the birds...that's what I'd hoped for but now she is so sensitive to the pollen outside she can't leave her home. We text or talk daily.
Honestly you probably would not get a caregiver to come into her home even if she allowed it. Most caregivers would turn down a job that places their life in danger.
Next time your mom goes to the hospital you can...and should tell the care team that she can not be discharged to home as it is unsafe.
She can not be discharged to your home either.
She does not want to go to your brothers home because of the dogs and cats.
You will no t find a facility that will allow her to smoke.
Her only option at this point is to find a caregiver that will be willing to work in her home. Maybe if she realizes this is the only way that she will be able to live in her home she may give a bit.
or
Mom stops smoking. (realistically this is not going to happen)
Since there are not many options, renew the lease. If she dies before the lease is up it will give you a bit of time to clear the apartment out and repaint using a product that will block the nicotine so you get your security deposit. Or you can ask the landlord if you can renew on a "month to month" lease.
Start buying her and your brother more cigarettes........
If they wanted my help, the cigarettes had to go. Mom had given up smoking once before for over a decade. My sister started smoking and mom started back up again. It may sound mean to some people but it is what had to be done. If they wanted the help of my husband (a former smoker who didn't want to restart) to fix things and take care of mom, the smokes had to go. I offered them to smoke only outside, to use vapes, to try nicotine patches. Everything was a no. So, they stopped smoking.
I totally commiserate with you about the carpets, the stained walls and all the rest. I had no idea that cleaning the walls would make me sick. I didn't know that there would be nicotine on the walls and that it was transferable through my skin. I got so dizzy and ill with a terrible headache that I had to lay down for a long time. The carpet had to be pulled up, everything was drenched in nicotine.
I can't say this will work for you, but it is not impossible. My mom couldn't drive and neither could my sister so that was also a factor, but it was mostly whether or not I could stay and take care of mom that made the difference.
I understand it's an addiction but there are medications for that which work very well. I also stayed away from my mom's house as much as possible while she was independent because I can't stand smoke. Mom was very stubborn. She only relented when it seemed like her life was on the line. I told her I was no longer concerned about her health, only my own and my husband's, not to mention the cats and dogs. I told her what would happen, which was that she was going to end up in a nursing home, lose the house in Medicaid recovery after she died, leaving my sister without a place to live. And I pointed out they would not let her smoke in the nursing home.
When I visited with Mom a lot of residents in wheelchairs sat outside in front of the entrance doors and bummed cigarettes from visitors.
Mom had early alzheimer's when we visited and loved talking to the residents bumming cigarettes out front.
I've also seen the same at some facilities in Florida. The residents in wheelchairs sit outside in the sunshine and bum cigarettes from visitors on the way to the front doors.
At 85 it is unlikely that she will quit cigs.
- Mom takes up vaping or uses nicotine patches
- you give up having a smoke-free home
- Mom hires an aid who also smokes and they can stew in their own juices together.
Someone is going to not get their way. I don’t think there’s a magic solution to your situation.
When mom needs help, she is going to HAVE to hire in home help or call an ambulance to take her to the ER. If she needs to be sent to managed care, she cannot smoke.
Best of luck to you.