It’s sucking the life out of me and my wife. She (62) never has anything positive to say, doesn’t cook or clean. All she does is go to work to come home to complain about whatever we cook for dinner, whatever we’re watching on TV, whatever hobby or game we’re playing.
Although MIL has an auto-immune disease she’s more than capable of doing things for herself but insists my wife helps with mundane tasks (while complaining and not asking for help, screaming and shouting across the house until my wife gets up to help). Because her only hobby is rotting on the couch she got an impingement in her shoulder. She stopped doing everything (bugs in her clothes on the floor kind of bad), refused to get help until my wife and I had a three day weekend planned. It made me realize that things are only going to get worse the older she gets.
We have decided that we have to move out for our sanity. It’s been a year living with her, two years of living together and being married to each other. We’re both in our thirties and moving into different careers, the economy is bad, money is tight for everyone. Living here with three incomes makes it financially easier but physically and mentally much harder.
Aside from work MIL does not leave the apartment often, maybe once a month to hang out with her childhood best friend and neighbor. She thinks everything is “stupid”, won’t do anything in her own and is so miserable that her friends don’t want to hang out with her anymore. She relies on us for social interaction and it’s draining since she doesn’t want to do anything that’s not a large, expensive, time-consuming production. On top of it she’s spoiled so saying no because we don’t have the money leaves her even more sour than she was to start.
So my wife and I are talking about what’s reasonable for us to do. The apartment we’re in is paid off so it’s the most affordable option. However, FIL died in this apartment 20 years ago so we have been discussing downsizing from our 2 bedroom 1 bathroom into two separate apartments, either studios or one bedrooms in this same complex. That way as MIL ages we can keep an eye on her, have our privacy, keep our sanity and encourage her to be independent. Several other people in the complex are doing the same thing. It’s just expensive and feels unreasonable the way the economy is going.
How are you handling aging in-laws, living with them, caring for them? Advice for living with energy vampires? How to help depressed people who refuse therapy and think everything is lame?
I mean it's not like she's old and has multiple health issues that requires any care. And even if she was old and in poor health, it's very selfish of any parent to want their children to give up their lives for them. Any loving parent would never want that.
So yes, by all means look into moving out of your MIL's apartment. However I wouldn't look into staying in the same building, or you'll just continue with the issues you're having now, as you'll only be a phone call away, and perhaps just a walk down the hall away. That will solve NOTHING!!! As in NOTHING!!!
You and your wife now need to cut the apron strings and move as far away as possible, so you and your marriage have at least a shot here.
Do NOT let this "energy vampire" take you or your marriage down with her. You and your wife deserve SO much better!!!
You only live once. Go out and live your best lives. Make some great memories.
If you stay you will be the solution to her problem. Don't do that.
I am 70 and have one child and grandkids. I would never expect that my daughter should be centering any of her plans around my old age. What a; soul sucking thing to do.
Best of luck to you both.
So the solution became even easier.
Your wife tells her mother that you are moving out on ______________pick a date.
I suggest ASAP for both of your sakes.
Pick a date and do not change the date no matter what happens.
Begin packing up your things.
You say the apartment that you are in is paid off...so I presume that is the one that you moved into with your MIL. That is not an option if your MIL is there. And if it is owned by your MIL it is probably not a good option if you are going to separate yourselves from her.
I also suggest that you do not remain in the same complex.
Your MIL is 62 for heavens sake...it will be a while before she needs you to "keep an eye on her" at least at that close range. For now and maybe for the next 10 years a phone call would suffice for "keeping an eye on her"
Reclaim your lives!
Sixty-two is nothing. I know an 80-year-old who is caregiving her 100-year-old mom and doing okay. Sixty-two year olds in my retirement village, some not in perfect health, play pickleball, travel around the world, have careers and still work, write books, travel alone to friends' weddings and christenings, you name it.
Either go far away or buy MIL a ticket to Timbuktu and put her on the boat tomorrow. And furthermore, if you have any idea of having children, don't live within a thousand miles of her. No need to hand her a couple more lives to make miserable.
Good luck, and you really need it.
I'm sixty-eight and still working a part time job as a home health aide. I'm getting ready to embark on school for further training in some other area in the health field. I'm catching hell in this economy, but so is everyone else at this time.
You and your wife go and live your best lives and leave this situation.
Two of you, in your 30s both working. Your life will be happier in your own home. Far away. I agree with Lealonnie1, a 1000 mile away move would be a great start for both of your independence and blossoming careers. Many of us lived 2000+ miles away from our 60 year old parents while in our 30's.
Your 62 year old MIL should be able to work on her own CarePlan at that age, especially when she already has a job, And goes to work all week.
If I am reading this correctly, she has a job and is still independent? If this is the case, why are you guys still there other than for financial reasons?
Leave her to solve her own problems — or not! If she wants to rot on the couch, so be it.
Her life, her choices.
Your lives, your choices!!
You can’t help depressed people who refuse therapy and think everything is lame. You and your wife can only change yourselves.
Answer: Move out. Stand on your own four feet.
It seems you have already come to this conclusion, and if you are looking for validation, I'm sure you will get it here! Your MIL does not need anyone to care for her. She can live on her own.
Why on earth do you want to move next door, or in the same building?
She will continue to call your wife, though probably on the phone instead of shouting across the house, and insist she drop everything to come over and do something for her. DO NOT LIVE SO CLOSE to her. If you are going to separate from her, you need to be farther away.
It sounds like the apartment you are sharing with her is owned/inherited. Do you or your wife have any ownership in this apartment? Why don't the two of you just leave MIL in her apartment, and make your own way somewhere else?
If you are relying on the proceeds from selling her apartment, then maybe you are not yet ready to be independent. It sounds like you are relying as much on your MIL financially as she is relying on you for attention. That's the cost of free housing. I can tell you, It's Not Worth It!
do NOT move in next door to one another….. Nothing would change.
there are no easy answers here…. actually, it is
seems if she can go to work, she can care for herself. You are in your 30s and should be living your life ….not being responsible for hers.
It sounds harsh, but we are only responsible for ourselves!
doesn’t mean you’re not kind to her, but you’re not responsible! She is and she can figure out a plan if you’re NOT doing it for her.
Best of luck to you all
🙏❤️🍀
You need to have an honest conversation with your wife, perhaps even marriage counseling, and get the courage you need to set a plan forward and act on it. Your happiness, mental stability and life is more important than keeping your MIL entertained at your expense. Wishing you all the best.
she needs to be told straight we need our own space options are …, but do it before u lose your sanity
negative people are rarely ever aware how their behaviour is so draining - make enquiries n do it- call estate agents and see what ideas they come up with
best wishes
I'm 65. She is still working? Let her function on her own.
Your MIL is still working. If she can hold down a job she can live independently. Or she can move in a caregiver or roommate. You two need to go though. If your MIL gets the work done and converts the apartment she owns into two and gives one to her daughter and you, she will also own both of you. The two of you will have no life at all together in such a situation. I know it will save money on rent, but it's not worth it. My friend, I was a homecare worker for 25 years before going into business. I have seen your family dynamic play out so many times. A happy married couple lives with an in-law. Or an in-law moves in with them because they need care. Many once happy marriages end in bitter divorce because of situations just like yours. You and your wife's marriage is more important than saving some money on rent.
Please don't let your wife get guilt-tripped into staying and making the plans to convert the apartment so the three of you can live together. I have no doubt your MIL will double-down on the gaslighting and manipulation of her daughter (your wife) to make sure the status quo remains the same and nothing changes. Be strong for your wife and don't allow this to happen.
If it is your apartment, why doesn't MIL leave?
If its her apartment, why haven't you both left?
I recommend you get into therapy to manage / deal with your frustration.
You need some professional guidance.
These situations with family ARE NOT EASY to deal with - as you are experiencing.
If she is 'so' abusive and feels entitled, why do you continue to help / support her? Let her do as she wishes - on her own. You mentioned she goes to work so why are you all living together?
Lastly, if she's bitching about the dinner YOU prepare, why are you preparing HER dinner? Let her take care of herself. She is doing what she wants, perhaps abusing you and your wife, and you are allowing it to happen.
If you want her behavior to change, YOU have to change your behavior.
Set boundaries. Discuss w your wife what you will and will NOT do and put it all in writing (make it very official).
Expect MIL to have a tantrum.
Ask yourself why you are catering to her? ... THEN STOP.
Gena / Touch Matters