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It’s sucking the life out of me and my wife. She (62) never has anything positive to say, doesn’t cook or clean. All she does is go to work to come home to complain about whatever we cook for dinner, whatever we’re watching on TV, whatever hobby or game we’re playing.
Although MIL has an auto-immune disease she’s more than capable of doing things for herself but insists my wife helps with mundane tasks (while complaining and not asking for help, screaming and shouting across the house until my wife gets up to help). Because her only hobby is rotting on the couch she got an impingement in her shoulder. She stopped doing everything (bugs in her clothes on the floor kind of bad), refused to get help until my wife and I had a three day weekend planned. It made me realize that things are only going to get worse the older she gets.
We have decided that we have to move out for our sanity. It’s been a year living with her, two years of living together and being married to each other. We’re both in our thirties and moving into different careers, the economy is bad, money is tight for everyone. Living here with three incomes makes it financially easier but physically and mentally much harder.
Aside from work MIL does not leave the apartment often, maybe once a month to hang out with her childhood best friend and neighbor. She thinks everything is “stupid”, won’t do anything in her own and is so miserable that her friends don’t want to hang out with her anymore. She relies on us for social interaction and it’s draining since she doesn’t want to do anything that’s not a large, expensive, time-consuming production. On top of it she’s spoiled so saying no because we don’t have the money leaves her even more sour than she was to start.
So my wife and I are talking about what’s reasonable for us to do. The apartment we’re in is paid off so it’s the most affordable option. However, FIL died in this apartment 20 years ago so we have been discussing downsizing from our 2 bedroom 1 bathroom into two separate apartments, either studios or one bedrooms in this same complex. That way as MIL ages we can keep an eye on her, have our privacy, keep our sanity and encourage her to be independent. Several other people in the complex are doing the same thing. It’s just expensive and feels unreasonable the way the economy is going.
How are you handling aging in-laws, living with them, caring for them? Advice for living with energy vampires? How to help depressed people who refuse therapy and think everything is lame?

Move 1000 miles away from your MIL and live your own lives, that's my suggestion. Getting another apartment in the same complex is keeping you a slave to this woman who's way too young to need your care and attention, let's face it. When she's 90 and falling apart, THEN you can worry about her more.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I'm sure living with your MIL sucks bigtime. You and your wife are WAY too young to be living with her. And your MIL is young as well, and shouldn't even want to live with her child and their spouse.
I mean it's not like she's old and has multiple health issues that requires any care. And even if she was old and in poor health, it's very selfish of any parent to want their children to give up their lives for them. Any loving parent would never want that.
So yes, by all means look into moving out of your MIL's apartment. However I wouldn't look into staying in the same building, or you'll just continue with the issues you're having now, as you'll only be a phone call away, and perhaps just a walk down the hall away. That will solve NOTHING!!! As in NOTHING!!!
You and your wife now need to cut the apron strings and move as far away as possible, so you and your marriage have at least a shot here.
Do NOT let this "energy vampire" take you or your marriage down with her. You and your wife deserve SO much better!!!
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Why on earth would you want to live anywhere near her? You guys are in your 30s. It sounds like you have no kids, you are footloose and fancy free to do whatever the hell it is that you'd want.

You only live once. Go out and live your best lives. Make some great memories.

If you stay you will be the solution to her problem. Don't do that.

I am 70 and have one child and grandkids. I would never expect that my daughter should be centering any of her plans around my old age. What a; soul sucking thing to do.

Best of luck to you both.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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Suzy23 May 20, 2026
Agree 100%. You are my hero!
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You have to separate yourselves, emotionally and physically, while she is still young and fully able to care for herself. She may seem elderly to you because you're in your thirties but if you read other posts on the forum you'll realize that most of the "adult child caregivers" taking care of their parents are OLDER than your MIL. Do you want to do this for literally the next 30 years? Go now, to another state, not another apartment.
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Reply to Slartibartfast
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Well I had a great solution..up until I read that you and your wife are the ones that moved in with your MIL.
So the solution became even easier.
Your wife tells her mother that you are moving out on ______________pick a date.
I suggest ASAP for both of your sakes.
Pick a date and do not change the date no matter what happens.
Begin packing up your things.

You say the apartment that you are in is paid off...so I presume that is the one that you moved into with your MIL. That is not an option if your MIL is there. And if it is owned by your MIL it is probably not a good option if you are going to separate yourselves from her.
I also suggest that you do not remain in the same complex.
Your MIL is 62 for heavens sake...it will be a while before she needs you to "keep an eye on her" at least at that close range. For now and maybe for the next 10 years a phone call would suffice for "keeping an eye on her"
Reclaim your lives!
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Don't stay in the same complex! This is your chance for you and wife to make a break for it and never be around her forever. Such a chance may not come around again. Plus the bugs in MIL's clothes may haves spread to the whole building. Burn your stuff and move on.

Sixty-two is nothing. I know an 80-year-old who is caregiving her 100-year-old mom and doing okay. Sixty-two year olds in my retirement village, some not in perfect health, play pickleball, travel around the world, have careers and still work, write books, travel alone to friends' weddings and christenings, you name it.

Either go far away or buy MIL a ticket to Timbuktu and put her on the boat tomorrow. And furthermore, if you have any idea of having children, don't live within a thousand miles of her. No need to hand her a couple more lives to make miserable.

Good luck, and you really need it.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Suzy23 May 20, 2026
” I know an 80-year-old who is caregiving her 100-year-old mom” — this is my nightmare! I am 60 and my mom is 81.
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Sixty two? That isn't even scratching the surface of being a senior. You and your wife need to move out of her apartment even though it is paid for.

I'm sixty-eight and still working a part time job as a home health aide. I'm getting ready to embark on school for further training in some other area in the health field. I'm catching hell in this economy, but so is everyone else at this time.

You and your wife go and live your best lives and leave this situation.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Wow, when you first said "she" was 62, I thought you meant your wife was that age and you both were taking care of someone in their 80's.

Two of you, in your 30s both working. Your life will be happier in your own home. Far away. I agree with Lealonnie1, a 1000 mile away move would be a great start for both of your independence and blossoming careers. Many of us lived 2000+ miles away from our 60 year old parents while in our 30's.

Your 62 year old MIL should be able to work on her own CarePlan at that age, especially when she already has a job, And goes to work all week.
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Reply to QuiltedBear
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In your 30s, both employed, and still newlyweds (since you haven't had time living alone together), these should be peak years for you and your wife. Move not only out of, but away from, your MIL's home. Think about where you'd like to spend your future together, without regard to your MIL. She is only 62, still employed, and has a free apartment to live in, but is rude, domineering, and ungrateful, so leave her out of your plans. Get your own place together, even if a small rental studio, NOT in the same part of town as your MIL, and enjoy the peace of living happily as a couple while you dream the dreams of where you'd like your lives together to go, and start making the plans for that to happen. Escape now! Let us know how it goes.
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Reply to MG8522
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MIL has clearly shown you who she is, now believe her. Don’t live anywhere near her at all! You won’t get any peace, she will continue to expect help, entertainment, and an audience for her complaints. You’re supposed to be building your own lives, do that, just that. She will be fine
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You don't have to move 1000 miles away. Apparently, you and your wife have good jobs in the area. Set some boundaries and say no to her demands. Let her have her tantrums. She has a free apartment. Let her enjoy her time there alone.

If I am reading this correctly, she has a job and is still independent? If this is the case, why are you guys still there other than for financial reasons?
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Reply to Scampie1
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I agree with all the replies so far and only want to add the best way to foster her independence is detaching yourselves! Do what YOU want, do not stay in the same apartment complex or within walking distance!

Leave her to solve her own problems — or not! If she wants to rot on the couch, so be it.

Her life, her choices.

Your lives, your choices!!

You can’t help depressed people who refuse therapy and think everything is lame. You and your wife can only change yourselves.
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Reply to Suzy23
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Move out Monday. Don't look back. Do not live in the same county let alone in the same complex. If you can move several states away, that is a plus. Limit contact to what is healthy for you and your wife. Your MIL is working and owns her own place. She does not need you or your wife propping her up. I hope you take a second honeymoon and enjoy your life together. Once you move out, avoid talking about your MIL and when your wife brings it up, be kind, but change the subject. Your MIL is too young to be hovered over.
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Reply to JustAnon
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If you feel you can't afford to move out considering the current housing costs, there are options that will save your sanity. One grandson and his partner rent a 3 bdr house and take on two housemates in order to have a big garden and not be stuck in an apartment building, which would make them miserable, as they are outdoor people, chefs, and really need to garden. Just put your priorities together for what would work for you, a one bedroom (far from your MIL), a house with housemates, or whatever. It would be very difficult to find housemates as bad as MIL, so get on it. I wish you well.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter
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You moved in with her, and now you are complaining about her.
Answer: Move out. Stand on your own four feet.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Cost of living may be high, but would moving out and having a peaceful home environment not be worth it?
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Reply to MTNester1
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You are adults with jobs and should be paying for your own housing. If you stay with MIL to save money, you don't get to complain.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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Move out, even if it's to a very small studio. As someone who has lived in all spaces from large homes to very small apartments, one can get used to anything if it's your's. Prioritize your life. You are all young.
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Reply to DaughterDoesAll
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I can easily answer the questions of living with aging in-laws, advice for living with energy vampires, and how to help (really?) a depressed person who refuses anything you try. Separate yourself from them.
It seems you have already come to this conclusion, and if you are looking for validation, I'm sure you will get it here! Your MIL does not need anyone to care for her. She can live on her own.
Why on earth do you want to move next door, or in the same building?
She will continue to call your wife, though probably on the phone instead of shouting across the house, and insist she drop everything to come over and do something for her. DO NOT LIVE SO CLOSE to her. If you are going to separate from her, you need to be farther away.

It sounds like the apartment you are sharing with her is owned/inherited. Do you or your wife have any ownership in this apartment? Why don't the two of you just leave MIL in her apartment, and make your own way somewhere else?
If you are relying on the proceeds from selling her apartment, then maybe you are not yet ready to be independent. It sounds like you are relying as much on your MIL financially as she is relying on you for attention. That's the cost of free housing. I can tell you, It's Not Worth It!
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Mil is too dependent on you. If you move out, it will be healthier for you and for her. She will become indepedent again. That will be a good thing.
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Reply to graygrammie
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separate yourself now while you can.
do NOT move in next door to one another….. Nothing would change.

there are no easy answers here…. actually, it is
seems if she can go to work, she can care for herself. You are in your 30s and should be living your life ….not being responsible for hers.
It sounds harsh, but we are only responsible for ourselves!
doesn’t mean you’re not kind to her, but you’re not responsible! She is and she can figure out a plan if you’re NOT doing it for her.
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Reply to MBMc57
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Three adults live in a paid for apartment. That means all of you should have nice nest eggs saved. Start looking for a new place today....and not in the same complex. You need separation.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Why is your MIL living with you? It sounds like she is capable of living on her own. She is my age, I am caring for my parents who are 92 and 96 and they still live on their own. I have kids in my 20's and a husband who still travels for work; she needs to find her life, she is much too young to be so dependent on you two. Please for the love of god, do not keep this going, you will regret it in the future. I can see this is aging you fast-you are both still young. Sorry if thats harsh, but I can see the writing on the wall with this-she sounds difficult now, wait another 20 years.
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Reply to Photokk24
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I will say what I always do in these situations: If your MIL was a great mother to your wife and MIL to you, and she is just now acting different, it could be a bigger health issue for her and bailing out on her would not be good. BUT, if she has always been selfish and difficult, then I agree that you both should create some distance and enjoy your lives, without completely disowning her.

Best of luck to you all
🙏❤️🍀
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Reply to Tiger8
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I have simple advice-move out and do not live anywhere near this MIL. It will eventually lead to a lifetime of unhappiness, and very likely divorce.

You need to have an honest conversation with your wife, perhaps even marriage counseling, and get the courage you need to set a plan forward and act on it. Your happiness, mental stability and life is more important than keeping your MIL entertained at your expense. Wishing you all the best.
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Reply to puptrnr
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Beethoven13 May 26, 2026
Agree. It’s often called enmeshment. Parents who raise children, especially daughters, to be their caregivers and fixers when they get old and infirm. They perhaps had parents who did this to them. Generational trauma and enmeshment from emotionally immature parents who never received the mirroring and emotional support they needed as children therefore can’t provide it to their child. A healthy self confidence and esteem was discouraged because it makes children harder to control. They may leave and explore and the parents couldn’t control them. It’s so destroying of confidence for the child and young adult to have emotionally immature parents who sabotage them. Emotionally immature people want control because they are so insecure and empty inside themselves. They grab on to people to reassure themselves, do the emotional work, prop them up and make them feel good. They can’t do it themselves. Its suffocating. It’s not something you can change in another person, they have to see it as a problem for themselves and do the hard work of self knowledge and re establishing their true self. Old people with limited empathy and who just want someone to take care of them are not likely to do the work. Get her out of your home and into a good care facility or hire private caregivers for her and you do not live with her. This is sad and there is grief. You didn’t cause this and don’t need to be guilty but some people will try to make you feel that way. You are not alone.
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Yes go ahead and either do your plan or a place with garage or something you can convert to granny annex might be cheaper
she needs to be told straight we need our own space options are …, but do it before u lose your sanity
negative people are rarely ever aware how their behaviour is so draining - make enquiries n do it- call estate agents and see what ideas they come up with
best wishes
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Reply to Jenny10
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I'd put more miles between you and live in a camper or another apartment elsewhere.

I'm 65. She is still working? Let her function on her own.
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Reply to brandee
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If your MIL is unbearable to have around now, imagine what she'll be like when she retires from her job and is there 24 hours a day rotting on the couch with nothing but a wall separating her from the two of you? Imagine what she will be like when she's elderly. If you think she's needy, miserable, and complains about everything now add ten, twenty, even thirty years.

Your MIL is still working. If she can hold down a job she can live independently. Or she can move in a caregiver or roommate. You two need to go though. If your MIL gets the work done and converts the apartment she owns into two and gives one to her daughter and you, she will also own both of you. The two of you will have no life at all together in such a situation. I know it will save money on rent, but it's not worth it. My friend, I was a homecare worker for 25 years before going into business. I have seen your family dynamic play out so many times. A happy married couple lives with an in-law. Or an in-law moves in with them because they need care. Many once happy marriages end in bitter divorce because of situations just like yours. You and your wife's marriage is more important than saving some money on rent.

Please don't let your wife get guilt-tripped into staying and making the plans to convert the apartment so the three of you can live together. I have no doubt your MIL will double-down on the gaslighting and manipulation of her daughter (your wife) to make sure the status quo remains the same and nothing changes. Be strong for your wife and don't allow this to happen.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Don't understand.
If it is your apartment, why doesn't MIL leave?
If its her apartment, why haven't you both left?

I recommend you get into therapy to manage / deal with your frustration.
You need some professional guidance.

These situations with family ARE NOT EASY to deal with - as you are experiencing.

If she is 'so' abusive and feels entitled, why do you continue to help / support her? Let her do as she wishes - on her own. You mentioned she goes to work so why are you all living together?

Lastly, if she's bitching about the dinner YOU prepare, why are you preparing HER dinner? Let her take care of herself. She is doing what she wants, perhaps abusing you and your wife, and you are allowing it to happen.

If you want her behavior to change, YOU have to change your behavior.
Set boundaries. Discuss w your wife what you will and will NOT do and put it all in writing (make it very official).

Expect MIL to have a tantrum.

Ask yourself why you are catering to her? ... THEN STOP.

Gena / Touch Matters
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