Ever since my mother's stupid eye doctor told her she was okay to drive last week, she has been RELENTLESS. She won't drive unless I give her my blessing (thankfully), but it is so bad. In our daily phone call today, she yelled and swore at me the whole time, wanted to know why I insisted on treating her like a baby, why I don't trust her, why I want to ruin her life, why am I so unkind to her, why does she need permission from her daughter to drive when none of her friends do, etc…. (I should mention that my brother let her drive while he was visiting her this weekend, so she doesn't understand why he is so kind while I am not.)
It was so, so difficult and so frustrating and upsetting, and I am afraid I made the huge error of trying to explain and actually using the word "dementia" at one point.
I know what a huge mistake that was. That will be the main thing she remembers. But I was so shaken — I still am literally shaking — and I vomited at one point. I am not cut out for this at all. Please help me.
And, since she was driving without a license her insurance company refused to pay for the damaged truck or her totalled car. She could have lost everything if the people had sued her.
In retrospect, I should have disabled and removed the car and not believed what she was telling me about not driving.
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/19/us/san-francisco-pedestrian-deaths-toddler.html?unlocked_article_code=1.UVA.qd4n.3hvzO__mBREK&smid=url-share
MVA to take away her license. Also tell her she’s welcome to buy her own car but she can’t use yours. If it will help, lie and tell her you bought cheaper insurance that doesn’t allow any other driver but you. Then, at the very least, she will start harassing your brother instead of you 😆
Other than that, the next time she starts in on you, say, "Mom, I can tell you're really upset right now. We'll talk (or visit) again another time," and then hang up, or leave. You can also tell her that you're not going to keep talking/stay if she speaks to you like that. Stop giving her explanations. They're just excuses for her to argue against.
And you suggest admitting ( to DMV ) to putting others in danger on purpose to prove a point to the elderly woman.
This is sure to hit the news when the woman causes an accident, followed by a lawsuit.
You cannot always depend on primary care to label that diagnosis.
Your brother needs to stop and think.
Tell him that if mom injured or kills anyone because he lets her drive, he can be held liable in a court of law.
Maybe that will motivate him to do the right thing..
You are right, Primary Care docs don't get it. They can't always see through the BS of the dementia patient.
The next time she starts her BS hang up the phone, you don’t deserve this.
And that stupid doctor who told her she could drive. Good grief
This patient centered care in this capacity is nonsense. Primary care physicians are not the best candidates for treating someone with dementia. A physician specializing in geriatric medicine and a neurologist would be your best solution. They will determine where this person is in their dementia and can probably tell which stage if the patient is not showtiming for the doctor. Well seasoned physicians can see through this act.
I hope Somewhere in the back of my brain, I will have enough sense to realize the truth of my new altered life, and I do not become a burden to my family..
if my family says to me, "you need to move", I hope I allow them to help me gracefully...
The frustration I have with the driving and wanting a dog issues is that going anywhere or even watching TV means they see cars or dogs and are reminded of the emotions association with them. Cars symbolize freedom, especially so when we are stuck at home relying on others for transportation. Dogs symbolize affection and love without being redirected or told what to do when. I can sympathize, but cannot fill his request. Lately I have started having selected hearing, acting as if I was distracted and didn't hear what was said. I am careful not to allow him to repeat his request. Sometimes that works.
I dislike being made to feel like the "bad guy" because I don't give him what he wants right when he wants.
Were it not for my therapist, I would probably not be here. This journey is definitely NOT for the faint of heart.