My sister has power of attorney over my mothers care and financesThis was never originally discussed with me and I trusted my sister. Mum went into a care home this year property sold and finances have been dealt with in accounts again by my sister. I have no knowledge of where they are. She told me as I live abroad I could not have power of attorney. She lives 5 mins drive from where mum is. She now said literally she is done as mum's condition has become quite challenging and wants someone else to 'step up if they think they can do a better job.' How do I go about gaining access to mum's finances and some sort of control over her wellbeing as all decisions are currently made by her?
I get vibe that you have been critical of how you "think" her finances are being handled. What gives you that idea? What makes you think her wellbeing is not your sisters priority. Have you any idea what the cost of a care home as a self pay resident costs? What have you done in terms of care giving with your mother? How often have you visited and seen for your self the decline that your sister has told you about? How have you stepped up in the past? You may want to ponder how you can help in a non POA capacity to see if you really want to step up and then decide if you are truly best for the role.
First POA anywhere in the world does not go by a mileage chart.
It does however sound like your sister has her hands full. She has done what she feels is in the best interest of your mom. Selling a home tells a lot about your sister's character. Did she take the sale money and high tail it? (Thats fraud) ahhh nope she did not. Did she sell inorder to get some care for your mom that sister is just wore the heck out 24/7 is truly a difficult task.
Have you done some research facilities can cost 6/7k a month and if you do the math 100,000 sounds like a lot of money but it wouldn't last a year maybe a yr and a half. So sounds like sister is doing her best.
Have you offered to stop your life entirely and move closer to share the care of mom? If you have not WHY? FYI just cause shes in a LTC doesn't mean life as her children stops.
You will never know what your sister's life is like until you walk in her shoes. Want to know what its like? Volunteer at a facility for activities or maybe just sit and hold hands with a LTC resident that has no family no friends 7days aweek maybe 2 hours each day. Do that for a couple of weeks. If you learned something anything about the responsibly of care then do this.
Call your sister tell her your sorry and that you love her and thank her for taking such good care of your mom.
Your mother is already in LTC. Unless she is a very wealthy woman or has spectacular LTC insurance, there's no money in it for you or your sister. That seems to be what you're getting at with your post here.
You should be grateful your sister takes all the responsibility. If she wants to have herself removed as the POA she can very easily through the court. No one is obligated to inform you though.
If your sis is truly "done", and you are named in the either the Fin. POA or the Med. POA as a second if the primary is unable or unwilling, then, depending on the laws in the state your mom resides in, the current POA can compose a letter relinquishing their role to the next available person or entity listed in the POA document, signed, notarized, and filed with all relevant parties.
My mother did this regarding my father's, her husband's, Fin. and Med. POA to me as I was the 2nd person listed. She could not handle the complexity and emotional burden. I also live close and made a point to be involved in many critical decisions before either POA went into effect.
I also keep my sibling in the loop when big decisions are coming. We don't have a great relationship, but we try to set that aside for our patents' sake. I keep all docs in Google drive folders with share, read only, rights to my sibling. We came to that agreement early on since he has three young kids and I don't have kids. I am more able to deal with stuff.
Your situation is much later in the game with baked-in stressors. If you honestly feel the POA is not fulfilling the role in the best interest of the parent, not your financial interests, then gather your proof and file with the court. If there are others listed as 2nd or 3rd on the POA docs, they will have to relinquish their roles as well, if they are still alive and mentally competent.
Like others here, I question your motivations and real ability to manage this from far away. It is better to be close emotionally and physically to truly know what is going on and the needs of the parent(s). There is more to being POA than just balancing a ledger and paying bills if you want to do it right and are willing to take the scrutiny of your sibling(s).
This is especially true when the costs of a care facility are in play. If the patent(s) are expected to out live their assets, then you have to navigate the MEDICAID system. You really need to be present and involved to do that in order to get and properly file documentation, be present for evaluations, meet with care teams, plan hospice care, take and make phone calls, and deal with medical emergencies when they come up. Not to mention being present for your parent(s) themselves as a caring advocate.
The burnout is real and exhausting. Good luck, and try to be nice to your sis.
If your sister is burned out and wants relief, she can go to the court to resign her role as POA and have a guardian assigned, if mom is unable to assign another POA. Your sister may find relief from a Geriatric Care Manager, who takes over managing your mother's care.
You are not the ideal person to take over managing your mother's care and her finances from abroad. Please just let your sister act without any criticism or questioning. If you really feel that your sister may be acting NOT in your mother's best interest, you can have Adult Protective Services investigate.
It is not your sister's job to act in YOUR best interest by saving money for your inheritance, if that is your concern. She is held to a high standard, and legally must be handling mom's finances with no questionable spending. She can go to jail if she is mishandling mom's money or care to benefit herself.
Yes, it would be nice if your sister reported every little thing to you, but I'm sure she is very busy and burned out already. If you want to see how mom is doing, travel and spend time with her in person. Don't make yourself another burden for your sister, but ask how you can help. For those of us who do caregiving for a family member, it is very hard! You have no idea how stressful and how draining it can be until you are right in the middle of it!
What country is your Mum/Mom living in? Your sister is correct that any legal representative needs to be local to your Mom, especially since she is worsening.
2) I doubt if it’s correct that you cannot have POA yourself as you live abroad. However providing evidence of it while you are not local could be difficult. You will need to ask a local lawyer about that.
3) Tell S that you will “step up” if
a) she provides full details of all the financial and other facts, plus what she has done so far:
b) you will share with her what “better job” you intend to do, and discuss it if you don’t agree: and
c) she will support you in what you do.
“Step up if you think you can do a better job” sounds as though she feels criticised. If that’s what is happening, it would be a good idea to resolve any understandings, rather than following these fairly complicated suggestions. Margaret, non-local LLB FCCA