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I am so stressed. I am not mentally or emotionally well. I see a therapist and I have medication for anxiety. I am afraid that my kids are going to resent me the way i resent my parents. I hope not. I am really sad.
I would first need to know what you understand "karma" to be, or if you are a Buddhist.
If you are concerned that what comes around goes around and BECAUSE you resent your parents, your children will resent you as payback or some type of punishment, I wouldn't give that too much credence.
If you are worried that you will by accident or on purpose put your children in this same position that you are in and they will resent you because they have to take care of you, that is another matter entirely. It sounds like you are anxious about your own future along with the stress of being in the situation with your family that causes you to resent them. If that is the case, we have great news for you!
You can do things now, today, to make sure your children are not in this position. Some of those things involve discussions with them about your expectations for the future and some of them involve planning for your own elder years. Spell out your wishes in writing about what you want to have done. Set up your own planning about where you will live, or what you think you will be able to afford. Save for the future. Make a box with all the important things you need for your life, including copies of insurance, your passwords for all your important accounts, paperwork for POA, DNR if applicable, copy of what you want and don't want at various stages, your bills, titles and information about your properties, and banking account numbers. This box should be kept in a safe or it could be it's own lockbox. There are also pre assembled boxes like this that you can get from Amazon or elsewhere that tell you what kind of papers and things should go into it so your children have an easier time with your life if they ever have to run it.
Get insurance. Pay for your funeral and interment or urn or whatever your choice is. Make sure you put that in one spot with the rest of the things you collect for the future as described above. Try to get psychologically prepared for potentially being in adult briefs, and try to come to terms with having other people care for your body. This is psychologically tougher than it seems, and may not matter if you have dementia, but it can't hurt to think about it as a part of life.
Read up on end of life issues. What makes a good life and a good death? What is important? What do you owe to those you love, and what do they owe to you?
If you are a Buddhist, you should go to a teacher and see if they will discuss karma with you. It is not payback. It involves a lot of other things and they can counsel you on how to handle this in a manner in keeping with your beliefs. The Dalai Lama (Tibetan Buddhism but applicable to everyone's life, imo) has some great books to read if you are interested, not specifically about karma but about the human experience.
Karma is fake. It's possible your kids will resent you as that's common with kids. My mom once told me my kids would treat me the way I treat her. I said that was not going to happen as I don't treat them the way she treats me. My son even said how impressed he was with how I set boundaries with mom, but still go see her. I didn't realize he noticed, but our kids are watching. If you are the one posting about being manipulated by your parents, take the great advice you have been given and leave. Put your kids first.
I just want to carefully point out that karma is not "fake" to those who practice the religion. The way folks use it in the present is more about what comes around goes around and that's not really what karma means, although it could be seen as similar.
Once you move out of the toxic environment you've put your children into, they'll stop resenting you. The longer you keep them there, the more likely it is they'll resent you for life. It's not "karma" but common sense. Children need and want a safe, stress free childhood which they rely on their parent(s) to provide for them. If such an environment is not provided and they witness lots of fighting and upset, then they're likely to lose respect for you bc you didn't protect them properly. That's exactly what happened to me. My mother had her mother living with us when I was growing up, and their fighting ruined my childhood. I never had a good relationship with my mother for life as a result. She never should've exposed me to such toxicity for so long, but she did. All that anxiety and fear was awful for me.
This is your second post in 3 hours. I think now this is serious. Time to call APS and tell them you can no longer care for your parents. You are on the verge of a break down.
Kimcat, you need to move out of your abusive parents' home. Period. No one deserves to be treated the way they treat you. You are worth so much more than that.
If you are seeing a therapist, I think what needs to happen here is that you two need to map out ways to get you more freedom. Start by taking breaks for yourself, such as a drive to someplace quiet. Later, start lessening the burden of taking care of parents. If you are with them 24/7, this will eventually burn anyone out. If they are with you, get them home care, and they pay for it. Be ready for complaints and resistance. Learn to ignore those complaints. Therapy can help with this. The care has to work for the caregiver or it doesn't work at all.
As far as belief in karma, I think this word has been misinterpreted enough. No, I don't think karma will visit anyone in this case. Karma is about learning spiritual lessons here in this lifetime. To avoid Karma, learn the lesson of detachment with love now in this lifetime and learn your limits. This will lessen the resentment towards your parents.
About your children and their resentment of taking care of you, I will say this; children will see how you handled the situation with your parents and learn from it. If you handle this situation responsibly by helping your parents get the care that they need such as homecare and eventually placement, your children will notice it. This will bring a good spiritual lesson. If you continue on the path of resentment, and not making any changes to your situation, your children are witnesses to this as well. Now, whether or not they will decide to follow your path, only they can make this decision when the time comes.
There are some very experienced and wise people on this board and their experiences will walk you through that process with their shares here.
I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist who’s hopefully helping. As for karma, do you expect your kids to be your caregiver in your old age? If so, and it’s beyond a limited, doable capacity, you bet they will resent you. If you’re planning another route, let your children know it. My adult children watched me care in different ways for both my parents. As children they went to the nursing home weekly to see my mom. They will tell you now they all learned valuable lessons from the environment and visiting there. Later, they both watched and helped with my dad. This was always caregiving as we could, never demanded, and dad was consistently grateful. No resentment happened. Now they all know I expect nothing from them in hands on caring for me. If your kids are watching your time with your parents take away time with them, your being stressed out all the time, then of course they will be resentful that you’re not choosing to stand up for both yourself and them. You can choose to avoid this. I wish you peace
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If you are concerned that what comes around goes around and BECAUSE you resent your parents, your children will resent you as payback or some type of punishment, I wouldn't give that too much credence.
If you are worried that you will by accident or on purpose put your children in this same position that you are in and they will resent you because they have to take care of you, that is another matter entirely. It sounds like you are anxious about your own future along with the stress of being in the situation with your family that causes you to resent them. If that is the case, we have great news for you!
You can do things now, today, to make sure your children are not in this position. Some of those things involve discussions with them about your expectations for the future and some of them involve planning for your own elder years. Spell out your wishes in writing about what you want to have done. Set up your own planning about where you will live, or what you think you will be able to afford. Save for the future. Make a box with all the important things you need for your life, including copies of insurance, your passwords for all your important accounts, paperwork for POA, DNR if applicable, copy of what you want and don't want at various stages, your bills, titles and information about your properties, and banking account numbers. This box should be kept in a safe or it could be it's own lockbox. There are also pre assembled boxes like this that you can get from Amazon or elsewhere that tell you what kind of papers and things should go into it so your children have an easier time with your life if they ever have to run it.
Get insurance. Pay for your funeral and interment or urn or whatever your choice is. Make sure you put that in one spot with the rest of the things you collect for the future as described above. Try to get psychologically prepared for potentially being in adult briefs, and try to come to terms with having other people care for your body. This is psychologically tougher than it seems, and may not matter if you have dementia, but it can't hurt to think about it as a part of life.
Read up on end of life issues. What makes a good life and a good death? What is important? What do you owe to those you love, and what do they owe to you?
If you are a Buddhist, you should go to a teacher and see if they will discuss karma with you. It is not payback. It involves a lot of other things and they can counsel you on how to handle this in a manner in keeping with your beliefs. The Dalai Lama (Tibetan Buddhism but applicable to everyone's life, imo) has some great books to read if you are interested, not specifically about karma but about the human experience.
As far as belief in karma, I think this word has been misinterpreted enough. No, I don't think karma will visit anyone in this case. Karma is about learning spiritual lessons here in this lifetime. To avoid Karma, learn the lesson of detachment with love now in this lifetime and learn your limits. This will lessen the resentment towards your parents.
About your children and their resentment of taking care of you, I will say this; children will see how you handled the situation with your parents and learn from it. If you handle this situation responsibly by helping your parents get the care that they need such as homecare and eventually placement, your children will notice it. This will bring a good spiritual lesson. If you continue on the path of resentment, and not making any changes to your situation, your children are witnesses to this as well. Now, whether or not they will decide to follow your path, only they can make this decision when the time comes.
There are some very experienced and wise people on this board and their experiences will walk you through that process with their shares here.
I hope this helps a little.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/am-i-wrong-497216.htm