After/When it's over.
It isn't over yet and it's been a very (to me anyways) long journey for me caring for my spouse as she has progressed the many stages of her vascular dementia. We're in Stage 7, in-home hospice, additional paid caregiver 4 hrs per day, and she is sleeping ~ 17 hrs per day. Needless to say I have plenty of time on my hands to ponder everything. Now that we're nearing the end I'm starting to think of what the remainder of my life will look like, I've spent a huge percentage with one person who I essentially grew old with. I will miss her but know that life will go on and I'm thinking of the various things I'd like to do, and who I would like to do them with. I often feel guilty as she is sleeping 50 ft away and I'm over here thinking if I'm going to want a female in my life and what type of person that would be to put up with my lifestyle. I'm still active, enjoy travel, consider myself fairly intellectual, independent and open minded about may things. I'm thinking finding someone like that might be challenging. Anyone else let their mind wander to such places?If so, got any pointers ?
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You take time to grieve.
You take time to find out who you are now.
You are not the same person you were when you met your spouse.
You are not the same person you were when this journey began.
You take the time to reconnect with friends. the ones that would call and ask you out for lunch and you would say, sorry, not today I have to do______________. And eventually they stopped asking you out to lunch. You may well find that you are still not asked out with them because you're "a single"
You take time to do a few things for yourself that you were to busy to do or to occupied to do.
You are going to find the silence deafening.
You are going to find that you will still wake at 2:00 am thinking that you hear your LO.
You are going to still rush home by 3:00 pm thinking that the caregiver has to leave by 4
You are going to find that a song will come on the radio and for no reason at all you are in tears. Next time you hear it it will not have that same effect.
Take a class at the local Community College, local Park District or Senior Center.
Look for Volunteer opportunities. (as a Volunteer you can set your own hours and be selective as to what you do)
Let NO ONE tell you how to grieve, how long to grieve.
You will miss her, I'm sure, but making the most of your life as long as you are still here is important. It is always hard to find someone who is a good match for us, especially as we grow older and more "set in our ways". Don't make looking for a companion your first priority; instead find activities that you enjoy and join groups who engage in activities you would like to do. There, you will find someone who shares your interests which is a good start toward finding a companion and friends.
If you are determined to have a new companion, you could try online dating, although there are a lot of scammers out there, so be cautious. The key to finding a suitable companion online is to be totally honest and upfront about who you are, and what you are looking for in a partner. DO NOT GIVE MONEY TO ANY NEW ACQUAINTANCE!
You are correct though that life does go on after the death of a loved one, and it's up to us to decide just what that will look like. I'm sure it looks different for everyone, but what's most important is that we fill our lives with what brings us the most joy and peace, as you can't put a price tag on either of those.
And as I'm sure you already know that doesn't have to include someone of the opposite sex, especially so soon after your wife dies.
You need time to figure out just who you are now as a single man and widower, and not be so anxious to jump right back into any kind of a relationship with a woman as you need time to grieve the woman and marriage that you loved and lost. And because grief is different for everyone and really does take some time, it truly deserves our time with however long it takes.
I know that after my late husband died almost 6 years ago now, I found myself wandering as I felt lost as I had been his caregiver for many many years. But eventually I got involved with volunteering at several different charities in the city I live in as I was finally able to come and go as I pleased, and that brought me great joy.
I still volunteer a lot and also have picked up a part-time job that too brings me great joy. I am content and happy, and one can't ask for more than that.
And that's all without having a special man in my life, so my suggestion to you is to take the necessary time it takes to figure out just who you are after your wife dies, and what it is that will bring you true peace and joy going forward, before you bring another woman into your world.
I know that a lot of men, older men in particular don't like to be alone and feel they need to quickly bring another woman into their lives after the loss of their spouse, but that is often a big mistake, and one many live to regret.
So please just enjoy whatever time you may have left with your dear wife, and allow your future after her death to just unfold as it should without you being in a hurry, as you need time to heal after your long journey of caregiving.
You've got the rest of your life to figure things out, however shortly it will be time for you to just take care of yourself. I hope you will do just that.
I'd suggest getting involved with a social group. In my area we have a group called The Retiree Group and it can be found on Meetup. It's a group of both genders. We go out hiking a lot, enjoy coffees together and happy hours. Sometimes we plan trips to museums and really nice restaurants.
The group keeps me busy. I am married but my husband is not at all social and I find this outlet healthy for me because I need people around me. Our group It is not a dating forum, it is more social for older people. However, someone in the group who was recently widowed connected with a wonderful woman in the group and they have a nice relationship. So it can happen.
Just saying something like this could be a good start for you. Check out Meetup for your area and see what is out there that fits with what you like to do.
I wish you all the best.
You, even more sadly, can’t have those sort of conversations with your wife, so you are having the same thoughts and ‘what ifs’ one-sided. Yet, you know her, and what you have shared through your life together, so I think you can know how such a conversation would go, and that she’d want you to carry on with life, be happy, and have companionship. So, I would suggest you try to think about these thoughts you’re having as a loving conversation with her, not about her.
I would say that you have been grieving for a long time. They say never make any major decisions within the first year. Take it slow, don't rush into anything. The best relationships I saw were widowed/er people who just had companions. They were together for years but chose to remain in their own homes, date and travel together. One couple spent 30 yrs together. The woman told me she had taken care of her husband with leukemia and was not being a caregiver anymore. Men do tend to remarry more than women.
I see no problem with your thoughts.
That being said, being a caregiver for 10 years was a difficult and lonely responsibility for his Dad, and for you, too, I have no doubt. If you have children, no matter how old they are, please be mindful of the optics of when and how you start getting back into the dating or female companionship game. Yes, it's your life and your business but it's their Mom. It took my friend and his siblings a long time and a lot of inner work to forgive their Dad. I know their Dad personally and I, too, was completely shocked by his decision. It felt like betrayal (especially since I also knew the Mom with ALZ and she was an outstanding person in all ways).
I'm not suggesting you don't move on, but there may be other issues when you do -- depending on how and when you do it. If you don't have any adult children then this is probably a non-issue for you and I wish you peace in your heart as you go the last mile with her, and then beyond.
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