I live a comfortable distance from my parents' small farm surrounded by land that they own, so the aging stage is sort of 'call (me/us) if you need anything' and much denial on their part as they lose their mental and physical powers. We respect their space, but seeing more and more confusion/arguing/accidents (minor). My mid-70's mother is entering her 'party animal' phase. Dad gives her free reign and does not have the will to fight her on it. She is very cruel to anyone who gets in the way of what she wants. I work in community, and this week a local came to me and remarked that she was out two nights in a row at local bars dancing and drinking the night away. He was chuckling about it (she's very cheeky and funny in this mode) but I find it very serious and unfunny--she has significant health issues, poor vision. She takes meds to pull this stuff off, and she's adding alcohol to whatever meds she takes for daily pain management. She is also driving dark country miles to do this.
My dad seems to have minimized the habit for my benefit (and to protect her)? So, I was under the impression it was once every other weekend. No. The Party Girl is doing back to back late nights and I'm sensing that my Dad is just relieved she's happy and occupied. During the days, she will whine about not having energy or stamina to keep up their home and property.
My question is how to track this respectfully, frame it up emotionally so I do not lose even more sleep, and how to brace for the fallout that seems to be looming. I see so much physical and mental drop-off, each of them diving into their compulsive habits of choice to cope (both seem to need to physically exert themselves past the point of fatigue, then drag along, rinse and repeat)...I know this is not an overt problem yet but all the markers are there for future trouble. Mother has stretches of weekdays where she is bedbound or cannot stand up straight for very long. She stoops a lot through the week, is either overcleaning, out shopping (another compulsive activity), or sleeping, then magically she is out doing her thing on weekends with fresh energy and good posture.
They have the resources to do this as long as they care to or until something stops them. Very stressful.
Anyone else dealing with "free range" behaviors that seem like an omen? She stays FAR away from appropriate social outlets for "old people."
Mom needs a full physical. Her doctor needs to be made aware of the head trama. Labs will show how her levels are. Tell her Medicare mandates a good physical to keep the insurance.
Have a talk with your father. It does sound like he's covering for her behavior and probably doesn't know what to do. Also, it's probably worse than you think. Encourage him to talk to you and give him a safe space to be honest. Let him know that your mother's behavior is dangerous and you don't want to see anything bad happen and he doesn't either. Explain to him what enabling is and that it's not helping your mother if he enables this behavior. Hopefully, he will open up to you and you can get an accurate picture of the situation and can go from there.
Do not listen to your mother whine about nor being able to keep up her house and property. When she starts up with that, tell you you'll help arrange cleaning and landscaping services for her that they pay for. Then shut it down. Refuse to listen to her complaining and don't you go clean their house and work on their property.
If she gets arrested for DUI or anything else, that's not on you. It's on her. Let her and your father deal with it.
You could run an intervention by seeing her there and calling the police for her, maybe they will give her a safe ride home?
I'm not clear on why everyone is telling you her driving is your responsibility. She's got drug and alcohol problems along with mental illness, none of which give you the legal right to vandalize or steal her vehicles. Do check in with the local cops and find out what they suggest. If you let them know when she's out and where they absolutely can pull her over once she gets behind the wheel loaded. If she loses her license then the cops can be called any time she leaves in the car, if they're available and willing. Your dad is going to be no help, again he chose her and chose to stay.
Do read up on boundaries, do get therapy or some kind of help to understand what's called the "three C's". You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
But, the responsibility rests on you to STOP her from driving! Yikes!
Please, take away their keys, take away the vehicles, or disable the vehicles they have. Set her up with an Uber or Lyft account so she doesn't lose her freedom, but driving under these conditions is dangerous not only for her, but anyone in her path!
Is this new behavior for her? Or was she always seeking a party and social activity? If it is a new behavior, it could indicate a form of dementia and she could be totally unaware of her abilities or inabilities.
My 85 yr old dad has a wife who is 20 years younger. She needs a social activity EVERY NIGHT! She finds every party, dinner out with friends, concerts, Thirsty Thursday, events at a local bar or the country club they belong to,.....
That's not for me, but I guess some people just don't like to sit still and need to go out. Of course, he loves tagging along with her to most of these things. It makes him feel young and hip.
I'm just glad he has a young, healthy wife to take care of him, so I don't have to worry about him.
Being wealthy has buffered them from consequences forever. She is a terrible driver to start with, so they just buy fancier cars with more 'safety' features and a higher seat for her. Like its always the fault of the car. Another thing is that she has a 'partner in crime' who she hangs out with who has little to lose, and spurs her on. My dad's jokes about it all are falling flat. Next time it comes up I need to state my disapproval, even though in our family that means I will be the 'turd in the punch bowl'.