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How about a father with Dementia that clearly needs to be in a facility but bullies my mother and I. He is adamant he is not going into a assisted facility. Our situation isn't as easy as dropping him off at the door. We don't have long term care insurance or private funds so waiting on the Medicaid process, just makes everything even worse for my mother and I. Not many people can deal with a loved one with dementia. I know I can't; I'm tired of the abuse and what goes with it. I am too important to give up my life for this anymore. I don't know how we will physically get him into a facility but I don't even care anymore. Like most of us on here, caregiving has sucked the life out of us. Thanks for being here everyone.
Today was THE day and it's been a grueling experience moving my 93 yr old mother to a nursing home. I have heard all the reasons from her why she didn't belong there. I am a "mean, awful child" and she despises me. She says she "has only ever fallen once," she " knows how to take her meds and fix supper, handle bills and ect." No Mom, you do not and you haven't in a long time. Your cognitive skills are poor at best and you have way over used the Life Alert service. My heart is breaking and i just want you to be safe. It's been 50 years that I've been the "mom" and I'm tired.
Well, sometimes they're not so much excuses. They're a nice way of saying to one's children "sod off and leave me alone, you impertinent little whipper-snapper. Who put you in charge?"
If your parent has capacity, you are NOT responsible for his or her welfare. You might well worry about it, you very likely care about it. But you have no business trying to overrule their free decisions no matter how idiotic or alarming you think them. Better accept that, as a first step to finding a perspective you can live with.
The mean trick is when parents - some parents, not all, it's a personality thing - make you feel responsible for their happiness and simultaneously undermine everything you try to do to assist them. Be wise to it! Never accept responsibility without authority.
One more thing, and then I'm done. When mom or dad are no longer able to mow their own lawn, do their own minor household repairs, grocery shop or pay their own bills - they have no business living alone in their own house any longer. They have progressed beyond the place of "independence" - since they now must rely on others to do everything for them. Sometimes if we point out to them that they are no longer independent anyway, the point hits home.
To "2tiredinFlorida" - assisted living is just that.....for a person who needs some assistance with his activities of daily living. This is not to be confused with an independent living facility for seniors, where they actually have their own small apartment. Assisted-living facilities are the "bridge" between independence and nursing-home care.
I've heard too many times from adult caregivers, "I'd never put my mom in a place like that!" They all change their tune when mom (or dad) becomes incontinent due to dementia and needs to be in diapers 24/7. Then they don't have much choice but to stick them in a "nursing home" because they have progressed beyond the point of being a candidate for "assisted living,"
Many seniors find that once they unload their albatross of a house and move into something safer with amenities, that they wonder why they did not make the move sooner. When my father was in early dementia, I did what the article suggested - took him on "tours" of 3 different facilities, interviewed the directors, etc. I wanted him to decide on which place when the time came - which I knew would be soon, because it was becoming unsafe for him to live alone. So, he "chose" the place and I made all of the arrangements. My husband and I rented a U-Haul truck and moved some of his own stuff to the assisted-living place so it would feel more like home. As we pulled away from the house, dad said to me, wistfully, "Will they have morning coffee there for me?" I assured him that they would - that there was even a 24/7 coffee & tea station, so he could have it whenever he wanted. That made him happy and the move went without a hitch.
My parent's stock answer to anything was "we can manage".... well they couldn't, yet Mom refused caregivers, cleaning crews, refused to use her walker.
One time I brought to their house a very well prepared high end brochure for independent living, a place that looked and felt like a 5-star hotel, indoor swimming pool, gym, bank, hair dresser, doctor office, 3 restaurants on site, etc.
I left the brochure for my parents to read, and the following week I asked them what did they think. I was hoping they would be interested. Well, they said it was a very nice place and they would think about it in a couple of years. A couple of years??? HELLO, they were 93 and 97 at the time.... [sigh].
Sometimes no matter what we say our parent(s) will become very stubborn. They don't want to lose their independents.... yet I couldn't convince them that they would have MORE independents living at the complex.
Excellent article! Expert tip for Objection 1 is well said. 11 years ago, my 89-year-old father was often up in the middle of the night, wandering, or getting dressed, wanting to leave the house “for lunch". I was concerned about his safety, and I was exhausted. A geriatric social worker advised me to bluntly tell him that I didn’t want him to live with us anymore, saying he wouldn’t be able to argue with that. As predicted, when I brought up his moving out, he said he was happy living right there with me. He perceived my response as harsh — and it was. I’ll forever see his eyes filling with tears. If I could take back those words, “I don’t want you to live here anymore," I would! How much better would it have been had I gently but firmly said, “Dad, this is hard for me to say because I care about you, but it’s no longer working for you to stay in the house. It has become very hard for me. I worry about you. The doctor says, and I agree, that it would be safer for you to move… I love you very much, and I will come see you often.” If only I been better armed with these tips. Incidentally, his move to assisted living greatly changed our relationship for the better.
I am confused about assisted living versus nursing homes. Where I live, most nursing homes ( my term ) are calling themselves assisted living. Well these places don't offer "apartments". They offer hospital rooms, without the benefit of having trained medical staff. They are in other words, "hotels". Most have two or three people to a room. The only difference here, that I see is that the patients have the run of the house. After checking out three ( on my own ) I decided I would never put Mom in a place like that!
I needed to read about retirement homes.. Assisted Living.. The difference is that I am the 85 year old caregiver for my 86 year old husband who has Alzheimer's. It is becoming very, very hard and I am getting very tired. He still wants to cooperate but for certain things he just can't. I believe its time to move but I am with those who say "I don't want to live in a nursing home".. Still, I plan to start doing some calling and probably visiting, some places that are quite close to where we now rent.
#6 is my mom's mantra. Unfortunately, she's correct. When she bought her LTC policy she choice a policy that will only pay for 2 yrs of nursing home care. (With her PD and the fact that this could go on for another 5-10 yrs that's not enough). Too late to change the policy. SUCKS! Plus, she has no mortgage since the house is paid for. She's too 'rich' to qualify for subsidies (although VA might help some since dad was a veteran) and too poor to pay it all on her own unless she wants to spend down all her money and assets (house) which will probably end up happening since her LTC will only cover so much and eventually I can't be the 24/7 help since she will need more skilled care that will most likely exceed 2 yrs.
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
13 Comments
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How to Respond to ‘I’m Not Moving to a Nursing Home!’
Thanks for being here everyone.
Well, sometimes they're not so much excuses. They're a nice way of saying to one's children "sod off and leave me alone, you impertinent little whipper-snapper. Who put you in charge?"
If your parent has capacity, you are NOT responsible for his or her welfare. You might well worry about it, you very likely care about it. But you have no business trying to overrule their free decisions no matter how idiotic or alarming you think them. Better accept that, as a first step to finding a perspective you can live with.
The mean trick is when parents - some parents, not all, it's a personality thing - make you feel responsible for their happiness and simultaneously undermine everything you try to do to assist them. Be wise to it! Never accept responsibility without authority.
I'm not alone. Thank you
I've heard too many times from adult caregivers, "I'd never put my mom in a place like that!" They all change their tune when mom (or dad) becomes incontinent due to dementia and needs to be in diapers 24/7. Then they don't have much choice but to stick them in a "nursing home" because they have progressed beyond the point of being a candidate for "assisted living,"
One time I brought to their house a very well prepared high end brochure for independent living, a place that looked and felt like a 5-star hotel, indoor swimming pool, gym, bank, hair dresser, doctor office, 3 restaurants on site, etc.
I left the brochure for my parents to read, and the following week I asked them what did they think. I was hoping they would be interested. Well, they said it was a very nice place and they would think about it in a couple of years. A couple of years??? HELLO, they were 93 and 97 at the time.... [sigh].
Sometimes no matter what we say our parent(s) will become very stubborn. They don't want to lose their independents.... yet I couldn't convince them that they would have MORE independents living at the complex.
11 years ago, my 89-year-old father was often up in the middle of the night, wandering, or getting dressed, wanting to leave the house “for lunch". I was concerned about his safety, and I was exhausted.
A geriatric social worker advised me to bluntly tell him that I didn’t want him to live with us anymore, saying he wouldn’t be able to argue with that.
As predicted, when I brought up his moving out, he said he was happy living right there with me. He perceived my response as harsh — and it was. I’ll forever see his eyes filling with tears. If I could take back those words, “I don’t want you to live here anymore," I would!
How much better would it have been had I gently but firmly said, “Dad, this is hard for me to say because I care about you, but it’s no longer working for you to stay in the house. It has become very hard for me. I worry about you. The doctor says, and I agree, that it would be safer for you to move… I love you very much, and I will come see you often.”
If only I been better armed with these tips. Incidentally, his move to assisted living greatly changed our relationship for the better.